Saturday, November 9, 2013

Infertility, Pregnancy, and Insecurities!

This week my husband had surgery on his back. As if that is not stressful enough... His preop nurse was his ex girlfriend. I never really liked hearing about my husband's past relationships but after infertility it makes the sting a little worse.

First, we never had a super sexual relationship even before specimen cups and stirrups. Then, I meet two women he supposedly had a hypersexual relationship with. And one being you guessed it, his preop nurse. Wonderful! Sometimes, unexpected situations causes a new insecurity to surface. I always a little insecure about his less than enthusiastic views on our sex life. I have heard that I pressure him to it is his medications to he is just not that sexual of a person. The most recent excuse was that it was his back. I backed off with that one. We have gone to therapy and I have backed off on the "pressuring him". After, I backed off, the sex completely stopped. We have not had sex since beginning of July before our IUI.I am waiting to see if after he recovers, it will come back. I know a weeping woman is not exactly hot.

Moving on to the nurse. Yeah, I have met her before but it has been a while. Right before we got married he told me he ran into her. He told her that we were engaged blah blah blah! Apparently she was crying after he told her. I am not really sure why he tells me this. Why when we run into women from his past, he tells me this stuff. We could walk past 5 guys I was with in my past and he would never know, because it is not something I need to divulge. Also, it doesn't do any good to make him feel insecure.

So, while we were at the hospital waiting for the preop process. A girl walks by and he says, "Oh my God, it's (insert name)!" I was like who. I was dumbfounded for a minute until it dawned on me who she was. And is now going to be his preop nurse. Oh good and he gets to go back into that room alone, with her, while I sit in the preop waiting room. Then, she comes to get me, "Are you J's wife?" And we go back into the room. I look at my husband and state the obvious of how awkward that was. He goes on and on about how crazy. Of all the hospital employees, she was his nurse. Laughing and smiling and not letting it go while she is out of the room. He then, proceeds to tell me that she has popped out 2 kids since we got married, with that piece of shit she was with. Ok, this is that part that left me fucked up. I understand that I am currently pregnant but it took blood, sweat, and tears, not to mention doctors prying into your sex life and thousands of dollars. Don't get me wrong, I am grateful but I hate the reminder of people doing it so easily. I hate it even more when I hear his ex was one of them.

I kept thinking does he wish he stayed with her? He would have more money in the bank! He would not have lost his first child! He would not have gone through all that embarrassment with doctors and semen analysis. He would not have gone through all of this, if he would have married someone who wasn't defective.  Maybe, even her?

Then, I wondered how much he told her about our struggles? I am open about this with most people but she has the upper hand on this and she was with my fucking husband. I know that I technologically have him but it is hard to feel secure after infertility. Especially, after he has gone on and on about how feels bad for her and what an asshole she ended up with. He seemed so flattered to have her attention once again. That she was such a nice girl.Yeah, not making it any better! And she is fucking fertile!