Friday, October 25, 2013

I am not "resolved" yet!

I have become the biggest bitch to my husband. It is a combination of fear and hormones making me get so angry. After going through miscarriage and infertility I fear the worse. I Google everything! Which in turn makes me worse. I just fear the day that he says I am done with her crazy ways. My counselor discontinued seeing me as I have "resolved" my infertility. I keep telling people I don't feel as it is resolved since I have not given birth to healthy baby. They really don't understand. I have seen what can go wrong. I know pregnancy doesn't guarantee a baby. I know fertility treatments don't always work.

I also get from people that I am not truly infertile. I realize how lucky I am but I will always consider myself infertile. I didn't have a hot night with my husband and happened to get pregnant. Timed intercourse didn't work. Doctors and science helped me. GOD FORBID this doesn't workout, do I have the strength to go through it all again. What will it take next time? So, these are just some fears of mine.

I will never be able to enjoy being pregnant after all that. I will not feel "resolved" until I can hold a living breathing baby!      

A little scare at 17 weeks

While at work on Friday, I went to the bathroom. I noticed what looked like a small clot in the toilet. About the size of a sesame seed. I didn't really pay attention when I walked into that stall if it was there from the previous person. I was freaking out assuming it was from me. I went home and called my dr. Long story short, I have a Urinary Tract Infection. The clot mostly not from me, fetal heart rate 151. So far so good.