Monday, July 29, 2013

Can't believe it!

***Warning***  BFP mentioned

Oh boy! Super nervous! I am actually pregnant! I took a Dollar Tree HPT and very faint line. Clear Blue digital "Pregnant". My first beta was 44-13 days past IUI. My second beta was 138-15 days past IUI. I can't believe it actually worked but now... It has to stick! Just an FYI... Dollar Tree tests suck! My beta at the doctor 138, super faint line on Dollar Tree and claim it measures 25. My last pregnancy, not a great measurement since it was my angel baby, I was about 6 weeks before Dollar Tree test had a significant line. 

After having a miscarriage a couple years ago, I am so nervous! I think a miscarriage takes that from you. The joy of a BFP is not the same. You are more aware of things your were once nonchalant about. I will not be planning and prepping like the usual people! My planning is when can my thyroid be monitored. Oh betas every other day, well please squeeze in a thyroid level after all you are right there.

Facebook announcements are lame and hurtful. I am not planning to tell anyone in real life for as long as I can. It still doesn't feel real and there is always a chance. I think if I didn't have a miscarriage and go through infertility, I would be singing right now but I won't believe this is actually real until I have a baby in my arms.   

Friday, July 19, 2013

My letter to Aunt Flo

Dearest Aunt Flo,

We have had a rocky relationship over the years. You have shown up unannounced when I was ill prepared and you made quite the fool out me. Other times you were late arriving and you lead me to believe you took a much wanted 9 month sabbatical only to show up late. One day late I can handle but those times you showed up over a month late... What were you trying to do to me? I am getting the sense I am not your favorite niece as you have been much kinder to some of your other nieces I know. So, I wanted to clear the air with you maybe in return you could me nicer to me.

As of right now, I would really appreciate if you took a nice long vacation. As a peace offering, I have included a 9 month all inclusive, all expenses paid vacation to be redeemed hopefully soon. It would be nice if you could leave this month then return in early April. It would be much appreciated! Since, I know you are rather stubborn and there is chance you will take your sweet time with redeeming this or you may even rip it up. I hope you accept this present and cash it in ASAP. Please don't take offense and come with vengeance this month. I realize you will be departing for good in about 10-15 years which is why I want to accept this gift sooner rather than later. Please consider this as I know I am your least favorite niece. Thank you in advance!


One of your least favorite nieces 


Thursday, July 18, 2013

Comfortable in Stirrups

Remember how it first felt emotionally with your first pelvic exam? Nervous and uncomfortable to be undressed in front your doctor. Your private parts now exposed. I always dreaded my yearly female exam because I felt so exposed!

Fast forward to now. 3 years of infertility and a miscarriage in between. My lady parts have never been more on display in those 3 years than my entire life. Various doctors poking and prodding in those 3 years. Numerous internal ultrasounds and various checks whether it was to check before, during, and after miscarriage, how the reproduction system is holding up during treatment, or if I am responding. I realized at my last ultrasound appointment that I am relaxed. What? Strip from the waste down is no longer embarrassing and I have been conditioned to this experience as my new norm. I have dropped my pants more this month for my RE than I have for my husband.

I laughed when I came to this realization. I am actually comfortable in stirrups! As the ultrasound was taken place last time, the woman asked if my ovaries are usually difficult to find. I told her, "No, they move sometimes they are either 'here I am' others they are stubborn and hiding". She told me it may hurt a little since she has to move the wand around to find them. And it didn't even phase me. A female nurse is probing me with medical equipment shaped like a dildo and it was as if I was getting a haircut. IUI was the same thing. A little nervous on the procedure but not waste down part or laying there for 15-20 minutes with no pants on.

I wondered if other women going through this, lost the embarrassment with continuous clinical pelvic exposure? Felt it to be as routine as brushing your teeth? Were they as well desensitized to this? I am not sure if this is a good thing or not but it sure is funny how things can become routine! I haven't even given birth yet!             

Monday, July 15, 2013

Progesterone levels

A good nurse can fine my veins despite they are deep and rolling. (That goes for my ovaries too!) But then I get these women that are not so good. I get jabbed and stabbed a few times and still don't get a good sample! Today was my progesterone levels and this was the day I get jabbed too many times. Have you ever felt like they were threading the needle in your arm? Yes! That was today! They got about a thimble full and said that should be enough. Ugh my poor arms! Every week two arms multiple jabs. My neighborhood lab facility does a much better job at drawing blood than my RE office. The last time I was with this office, about 2 years ago (PPO only covered dx not tx so stopped until covered tx blah blah blah). I had a blood test to check to see if my body could handle Metformin. The girl jabbed herself with my dirty needle and I had to sign for blood-born path testing. I reassured the naive, barely looked 20 years old, girl that I have recently been tested and not to worry about Hep or HIV. Luckily for her, the tests came back clean. Every time I go to the RE lab I always think about that girl. I am pretty sure the phlebotomists they hire are newbies!

They called me this afternoon and my progesterone is 27. Now, I had better progesterone with my ObGyn. I was in the 30's with him and high 20's with RE. Grasping at straws here. They say that is fine and no need to supplement.

Until next week... More jabs but this time Beta! Oh let there be a significant number!
Everything Crossed LOL! 

Wednesday, July 10, 2013

First IUI

Well, I completed my first IUI cycle. Not bad! I was so nervous. I really didn't know what to expect. We arrived at 9PM with the sperm for washing. We waited for an hour. They called me in. My wonderful husband did not want to go into the room with me. I went into one of the ultrasound rooms. They showed me the syringe with the washed sperm and told me there were 12 million sperms, 97% motility, and 80% morphology. What a relief! My husband's sperm did not do so hot the last time it was analyzed back in May.  These were great numbers in comparison.They told me to strip the waist down and they were right. It felt no different than a Pap (when the doctor actually knows what they are doing). No pain and she even heated the forceps. It was over in a few minutes. She said my cervix was perfect. I laid and waited a few minutes before I left.

I came out and my husband asked was that it. I said yes, it wasn't bad and I hope it works. He said he thinks it will. I asked him why he did not want to go in the room with me. He asked if the sperm was placed in there with a needle. I said no and laughed a little. He said he thought it inserted with a needle and couldn't bare to see that. I said no a syringe with a clear cocktail like straw attached at the end no needles. I laughed so hard with that one.

So now it is the 2 week wait. We will see!!

Monday, July 8, 2013

Signs? Coincidence? Or just desperate?

I am the type of person that looks for signs. Especially when times are questionable and I am at a crossroad.

A few years ago I was driving home after learning my mother's house was in foreclosure and was extremely depressed. I asked for a sign and this is what I drove by at the time I asked for a sign. My name is not that common and was floored when I saw it.
Not exactly a profound sign! I did find it amusing that it was on a certified financial planners board! Since I found out my mother could no longer afford her mortgage. P.S. I don't play soccer and the most I care about soccer is to see hottie David Beckham!

This weekend I felt like a Disney character with the birds around me. On the 4th of July we came home to a bird on our front porch. It did not fly away or move away as we approached it. I thought maybe it was injured but it wasn't.
We must have nice earthworms in our yard. They have camped out there ever since. Not even scared of my German Shepherd. I thought maybe the bird was pregnant or procreating somehow.

Then, there is this! Last night it was my best friend's birthday and she had a BBQ. And this little guy flew down to join the party. He was very comfortable with us approaching him and even touching his tail feathers. I kept moving because I thought he was going to crap on my head. He followed me everywhere I sat around the table. I am not sure if he is a dove or a white pigeon... What do you think?
Don't worry about his little leg! He was seriously posing for the camera. That claw is fine. For fun, I looked it up. A white pigeon or dove can symbolize a lot of various things. Peace, forever love, messengers from God, a spirit, and goddess of fertility. When I read that they could also represent the fertility Goddess Astarte, I almost cried! On the night I triggered this is the bird that came out of nowhere. I have never seen anything like it before in my life. So comfortable with people as if he was pulled out of a magicians hat. Who knows if this is a sign or a coincidence? But, I am a desperate infertile that wants this to be a good fertility sign! 


1st IUI cycle and hopefully the last!

So, I finished my Clomid 100mg on the 4th of July. And went for my first scan on the 5th. Very much to my surprise I had 4 follicles beginning to mature. I thought it would have taken more time since I just finished the last dosage the night before. My right ovary had 3 follicles with the largest 15mm. On my left ovary I had one at 13mm. My uterus was 7.4mm. They like to see 8mm at trigger. I received the phone call on Friday that my IUI will be scheduled Tuesday at 10 am. I was instructed to do the baby dance Saturday night and Trigger with Ovidrel on Sunday night at 10 am. Thank God I requested the delivered for the meds on Saturday, the specificity pharmacy wanted to send the on Monday. I told them I want them ASAP since I was not sure how I would respond to the increased dosage. On 50mg I ovulated on CD 12. They want to do the IUI 36 hours after trigger.

We did the deed on Saturday night into Sunday morning as prescribed by the doctor. I triggered Sunday night. I was so nervous. My husband also learned how to give me the shot. I was relying on that since I thought I would chicken out but he had to be at work at the time of trigger. I never had to give myself a shot before and was extremely nervous. I followed the directions and made sure I got the air out. That was probably what I was most nervous about. Wiped the alcohol pad and injected it into my nice plump fat roll (I knew that love handle would come in handy!). After I did it, I thought that is what I hyped up. I didn't even feel it. I felt the pinch from my hand and the needle was a little hard to get through the skin but the actual shot I felt nothing. I am hoping that this is the last of the shots and this will be successful!  I will know on the 22nd if it was a success. Fingers and toes crossed!


Tuesday, July 2, 2013

Letting someone else worry about it

So it wasn't just me. Other people have noticed my change in demeanor.  My supervisor noticed that I have been happier. He said something to me while I was making copies yesterday. He said he has noticed for about a week now I have been really happy, is it because of the 4th and I will be off? No, but yes that is a good thing as well. I just feel a weight has been lifted off of me now that I am with an RE. I am not going to Pee On A Stick (POAS) anymore! I don't have to guess when ovulation is based on ambiguous lines or missing the smiley face. I am not going to guess if this is a pregnancy symptom and pray that was a false negative. Being with an RE that is monitoring you and tell you what you have to do feels so much better than me being the baby dance Nazi to my husband or loosing my mind guessing if we hit the right day. I decided I have worried for a couple years about getting pregnant, let someone else worry about it now! So, Dr. R. and your fine nurses can worry!