Tuesday, April 30, 2013

Mandated state doesn't mean it will be roses and butterflies

So, I live in a mandated state! Which is pretty much a joke. It took almost took 2 years to actually get coverage because of the loopholes. llinois law requires HMO's to provide coverage for infertility to employee groups of more than 25. The law does not apply to self-insured employers or to trusts or insurance policies written outside Illinois. I had two PPO's prior. So, when I learned that HMO covers my husband switched to HMO once open enrollment took place.

Fast forward to now. I have read the insurance requirements and the entire section of the insurance booklet regarding infertility for my HMO. Unfortunately, my work only provides PPO insurance and that does not cover anything in/fertility related. These mandates are great... when they apply!!! It is our job to figure out when they actually apply so it can work in our favor.

If you have been reading I took Clomid for 3 cycles unsuccessfully. My ObGyn had me stop and was going to refer me to a Reproductive Endocrinologist but recommended weight loss. I am new to this HMO. I know a referral is needed for any specialist but unsure how exactly to get it. I went to my GP and he referred me. Well, finding a doctor was a bit tricky that accepted my BCBS HMO that was in our network. They found a total of 2 doctors. TWO! Coincidentally, I went to this clinic but had a different doctor a while back when I knew nothing of the insurance and paid out of pocket. I can only see the one doctor now in this clinic. I was so relieved to get this referral I called and set up my appointments. I called my ObGyn's office to send my records to the name of the clinic and Doctor's name. The ObGyn office called me stating I can't go to the clinic I have to see the Doctor I was given the referral for. I explained that I was the doctor is out of that clinic and it was the address and phone number of what the insurance company gave. Now, they are checking on it to be sure.

Oh Jesus please let this work out! It seems I get so close to only find yet another road block! Holy shit! Just because you live in a mandated state does not mean you will for sure be covered or everything is all roses and butterflies!

For more information on infertility related mandates in your state

Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Join the movement.

I joined the movement because I am the 1 in 8. My friends and family knows my history as well as the ladies I communicate with on the various internet sites I subscribe to. They know I have had  one miscarriage and battle infertility for 3 years due to Hashimoto (an autoimmune disease that attacks the thyroid gland causing hypothyroidism) and Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). For the most part, educating my family and friends were easy. I am an open book and felt very comfortable talking about what is was like to battle a disease that is not looked at like any other disease. They understood and when ever anyone had questions I would answer them openly. On occasion I would get the "Why don't you adopt?" or questions like that. I would explain that I am not closed the idea but I would love to have a biological and hope beyond hope that someday it will happen.

When I came out on Facebook about my struggles with infertility, I was floored with how many private messages I received with support and stories about their own struggles. Every so often, I would get that one person that did not get it. I joked one day about charging people money for every hurtful comment about infertility and the price was contingent on how hurtful the statement was in my opinion. I wrote further that I would have money for IVF in no time. One person replied that if I can't handle the comments then I shouldn't talk about such personal things on social media. A coworker saw the comment before I did. She replied that instead of further tearing someone down that is going through a major life crisis that we should instead support and respect them. She later sent me a private messaged me stating that she is not currently trying to conceive but I have educated her on the subject. She told me that she supports and respects my cause. This touched me more than anything. A woman that is not currently trying to conceive or going through infertility, understands and is supportive.

I may have only educated one person throughout my three years. I may have reached only one person. I joined the movement not only for me but for the 7.3 million men and women that are dealing with the emotional, physical, and financial pain of infertility. Emily Dickinson said it best...

If I can stop one heart from breaking,

I shall not live in vain;
If I can ease one life the aching,
Or cool one pain,
Or help one fainting robin
Unto his nest again,
I shall not live in vain.


Wednesday, April 17, 2013

My endocrinolgy appointment

I saw my endocrinologist today. I thought I was hypo again. But I am not! My TSH is 0.7 and the upper normal levels of my Free's (T4 and T3). As far as my thyroid goes, I am perfect for TTC since around 1 is ideal. I have not had an increase of my Synthroid since July/August. This is the longest I have gone without an increase. Yay!!!! She asked how TTC has been coming along. i kind of laughed and said, "I am not pregnant yet!" I have done 3 rounds of Clomid and my progesterone was in the 30's. She asked if the Obgyn referred me to a reproductive endocrinologist. I said no. She looked at my chart and told me that I have been trying for too many years not to be referred. I asked if my weight was a concern. She said my weight is not preventing me from getting pregnant and I really should see a specialist to find out the root cause. All the hormones she checks (blood sugar/TSH & free's/ insulin) have been within normal trying to conceive range for over 6 months. She told me to go to my primary doctor for a referral. 

Friday, April 12, 2013

What I sometimes do to get by

I am doing better today! After my doctors appointment the other day I felt a little broken. Not having any kind of plan besides lose more weight feels like I am fighting an uphill battle. Also, the torture of sitting in a waiting room with nothing but pregnant women, Ugh! That was my hell! The only one in a room with an empty uterus! Even the nurses were pregnant! I was thinking get me the hell out of here before I cry or scream profanities.  Had I been a character of some comedy, I would have said to the women in the waiting room. "Must be nice to be fertile. Just have sex and get pregnant! I have no fucking idea what that's like!". I picture the woman Kristen Wiig was sitting next to on the plane in Bridesmaids.  Sometimes, I think about how could I put a funny twist on this uncomfortable situation as if it was a comedy. It keeps me distracted and a little calmer to think how could I make this shit funny. Cheaper and safer than psychotropic meds right?  

Thursday, April 11, 2013

Not the best doctors appointment

So, my doctors appointment was nothing how I anticipated. I thought more tests were going to be ran due to the 3 failed Clomid. Nope! It was more a discussion on how I need to lose 20lbs before he could refer me to a reproductive endocrinologist. I am not currently taking any fertility medications just Synthroid and Metformin. He told me to add a baby aspirin. Ok! So I am going to waste my time doing nothing for months but lose weight. I could have visited my mother for free to get that conversation. Why should my insurance be charged $130. You could have told me this over the phone.
I am the one in the blue tank top and jeans sitting by the bar with the wavy blond hair. Yes, not the skinniness but really my weight is the problem for TTC?

Tuesday, April 9, 2013

3 clomid cycles ended in BFN!

So 3 Clomid cycles have ended with no pregnancy to show for it. I called the doctor when AF arrived and he wants me to stop Clomid for more tests. My progesterone levels have been great (in the 30's) and now on to something else. My appointment is tomorrow and I will find out more. I am a little nervous to see what he has in mind. I hope not another HSG! I hated that test. I am ok with more blood work. It is funny... before all this I hated blood work. Now I help them find my vein. I'll even offer to bandage myself. Well, if you want to look at the positive, I guess I no longer have a fear of needles. A little nervous about this appointment.     

Monday, April 8, 2013


I started to see a new counselor recently. She experienced infertility herself which is reassuring. What prompted me to seek out counseling was various problems seem to be piling up and I have no control over any of them. My mother found herself a new friend who has a significant mental illness as well. They are living together. I feel they both need a structured environment which neither one can provide for each other. I tried talking to her about it but keeps defending her decisions. This on top of 3 years of infertility makes a person feel a little burnt out.

I was crying everyday because of these two stressors. Both problems I have no control over yet it consumed every waking hour worrying about the outcome.

I made a list of things I enjoyed at the request of my counselor and my positive attributes. Things I enjoyed was easy once I got going. I had 80 things on this list. The positive attributes were a little difficult. She wants to practice positive self talk and workout a few days a week. She wants me to focus on things I enjoy doing and incorporate at least one of them daily.

I felt better this past week than I have in a while. Infertility alone can bring about many negative emotions. Sometimes, it is difficult to focus on something positive or happy when all you have ever wanted was to be a mom. When that is threatened your world can feel like it is falling apart. When is rains, it pours. I recently read  The Bell Jar (25th Edition, Anniversary) by Plath, Sylvia/ McCullough, (Google Affiliate Ad). I was starting to feel like Ester Greenwood. This is no way to live! I will keep you posted on my progress!