Monday, March 25, 2013

Why I avoid fertiles!

As a woman battling with infertility, I avoid fertiles like the plaque! It can be difficult to keep friends. But besides the obvious baby announcements, showers, and birthday parties... there is another reason! Have you ever been in a room with fertiles? It can be quite awkward! I was recently invited to a 31 party. It looks like a purse party or baby diaper party. I didn't investigate it very far! Well, my invite I received  was via Facebook. I am friends with her in real life and she is pregnant #4! As if that isn't enough! The 30+ women she invited are all mothers too! I learned this by viewing their Facebook pictures in the invite section! YES ALL MOTHERS!

I avoid fertiles or should I say parties that contain them. It is never fun for me and not just for the obvious reasons! Because this is what usually happens...

Fertile #1:  "Do you have any kids????"
Me: (big hard gulp)  "No"
Fertile #1: (All loud and perky) "OMG why not? It is so awesome!!!! It is such a blessing and the best thing I ever did!"

Now do I go into details? Do I say I have battled with infertility for years and one miscarriage to show for it? Do I go into I have PCOS and hypothyroidism from Hashimoto's (an autoimmune disease that attacks the thyroid glad)? Do I tell them I am currently on Clomid, Metformin, and Synthoid to attempt my quest? Or do I say something generic like "I am trying, we will see?" Just to risk the cliche remarks? Like "Drink wine and you'll get pregnant!" or "Just relax!" Well, you all know the other cliche miracle infertility treatments fertiles want to project on us?!

Most of the time my brain to mouth filter in me seems to have malfunctioned in situations like this! I pretty much want to tell everyone to shut the fuck up! Hell, some of the time I want to slap a bitch!

Then, these situations progress to a mommyfest! Gag me!
Fertile # 1: OMG little Timmy shit in the sink! It was so cute! It was the first time he didn't go in his diaper!
Me: (Eye roll)
Fertile #2: OMG little Monica walked at 9 months old! She is going to be my little genius!
Me: (What? Prove it! LOL)
Fertile #3: OMG little Mickey didn't walk until he was 9 months 2 weeks! Hope nothing is wrong with him?
Me: (Really???)
Fertile #4: OMG there is an infertile woman in our presence, this talk might make her feel uncomfortable!
Me: (Okay why is everyone starring at me? As if I am some freak of nature. As if God said she is too evil! I strike her down as BARREN! You are right! I have absolutely nothing to contribute to this conversation!)

And this is why I avoid fertiles!!!!! 


Friday, March 8, 2013

When partners collide

My husband can really aggravate me with the entire fertility/infertility mess! When I tell someone in front of him that I am infertile due to hypothyroidism and PCOS, he says you're not infertile. Ugh!! I have explained the definition of infertility to him, then when he says that in front of other people I have an infertility session with both parties. You know, not being able to get pregnant for 12 months with well timed intercourse for people under 35 and it is 6 months if you are over 35. It is going on 3 years and I am approaching 35! I feel like the sand is running out of the hour glass. I asked him why he says we are not infertile? He said that when he thinks of infertility it is hopeless but I got pregnant before I will again! 2 years ago I had a miscarriage. I was a little irritated by the response since it was 2 years I was pregnant and have not had a glimmer of a positive since. Also, the infertility comment about it being hopeless and it seemed that he will never fully understand infertility. Infertility doesn't mean it will never happen. It could be never, or it will be difficult, or it will happen in a way you don't expect ie surrogacy, donor sperm/egg, or adoption.     

He knows so many people that parented at 40+ he doesn't seem to think anything about it. I get so frustrated that he always acts like we have all this time. I figure if it is this difficult in my early 30's than it can't get much better. I get so frustrated that he can't seem to accept that we are infertile. It hurts me more when he says that we aren't infertile than if he were to say okay we are infertile what can I do (besides the obvious). He gets the easy part throughout it all. Maybe that is why he seems so carefree. I have to take my medications as prescribed, fight to get the fertility meds when there are miscommunications with doctor and pharmacy, deal with horrifically painful cycles, keep all my appointments (labs and otherwise), and explain to people why we don't have kids!

There are people in our lives that look at me like I am the broken one! And look at him like you poor bastard for marrying a such woman! Or listens when he says we are not infertile and tells ME not him that I must be doing something wrong! People tell him it will happen blah blah blah...

I bought him the book What to Expect When She's Not Expecting! I am willing to bet that he doesn't even remember the title! He never looked at it or read it! He has this habit with putting shit off until it gets to be this big cluster fuck or financially worse!  I am not letting my health be brushed off by him. 

Thursday, March 7, 2013

Clomid cycle #2 ended

Well, Clomid Cycle #2 ended in a BFN. Of Course. Now, I don't know if it was the AF pain but I was not a crazy as I normally am. But the pain was god awful! I took 4 Advil (remembering that was what was recommended for the HSG) the pain went away with 4. If I didn't know any better I would have thought I having another miscarriage. The first day of my cycle is never that painful but I was questioning whether I have endometriosis! I called the doctor for my Clomid refill and asked about painful periods. They said since this is not my normal feeling that is was from the Clomid. Well, please let this cycle be my BFP cycle because I don't know how much more I can take of this!    

Friday, March 1, 2013

My Dreams

I had a pretty blatant dreams about infertility the other night.
The first dream:
 I dreamed that my girlfriends and I were planning a trip. I drove to the airport and go a ticket on my car. All my friends went ahead of me. The friends that were with me in the dream all have children in real life. We approached a staircase about 4 flights of stairs we have to climb to make it to the airport. I could barely walk up the first stair and kept falling down. The first friend, who in real life has four children, made it up the stairs with no problem and got there before everyone else. The second friend, has 2 children in real life, made up the stairs without a problem. I continue to fall down the first flight of stairs. The third friend is waiting for me trying to help me up the stairs yet I keep falling down. The two friends that made it to the top already are getting aggravated that I am not to the top yet. The third friend that is helping me tells me not to pay attention to what any of them have to say and just keep trying. I told her that I felt dizzy and needed to stop and to go ahead of me. She told me she was not going to leave me behind. I finally make it to the top with friend #3. She told me it could be difficult without any help and she fell down these stairs before. We made the flight. The third friend in the dream struggled with IF in real life. The two friends that made it to the top. No only did they have children easily but on the first shot or not even trying.

*According to some dream interpretation books suggest taking a trip signifies yearning for change. That things are not going according to plan. The people in the dream can who is causing you stress and who are in the same situation as you are. Some dream interpretation of stairs can mean since I was going up that I am trying to achieve higher status or seeming unattainable status. Falling down not feeling in control but making it to the top signifies that the outcome will be desired. 

The second one was much shorter.

I pick up my friend and go to a store. They are having a bunch of children's birthday parties. I roll my eyes at my friend. I see my dad (he has been deceased for 11 years and is a ghost in the dream). I run up to and told him I missed him and I loved him. In real life, I could not remember if I told my dad I loved him before he passed which has ate at me for years. His presence in the dream was so warm. This woman interrupted our conversation and interaction. I was annoyed. She was with one of the children's birthday parties and asked me if I had any children. I answered in a harsh exacerbated tone, "No!" My dad nudged me and asked why I answered no and that I have a son. I looked at him puzzled. He reassured me that I had a son and told me to tell my friend to be careful driving in the snow. I came home and saw a little boy about 2 years old sitting a high chair with my husband. I woke up and cried!