Thursday, February 28, 2013

The new norm

I am feeling a bit defeated today. 11 dpo and starting to get menstrual cramps and hpt are a blaring negative. I told myself that this will be the cycle. and we will have a baby for Thanksgiving and Christmas this year. Oh 3 years of disappointment can have profound effects on a person. Being the brat that I am, I attempted to reorder my clomid. I wanted it ready for my cycle. My doctor called and said that he will approve the order once AF arrives, not before. I explained that hpt have been negative and insisted on it being too early.  Come on! I know the routine already! I have gotten quite use to laughing while POAS. Why bother? It will only give you the same results as they always do! They say insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting different results. Then, I am fucking certifiable!

I can't believe there are people that don't have to go through all this to have a baby. They just have normal sex with their significant other and magic happens. I don't believe that sex equals baby. That is just silliness! Invasive tests and treatments are the only way, right? Men in lab coats make babies using the scientific method. Drugs are given to make ovulation happen, this is not something that occurs spontaneously? Women across the globe knew the measurements of their uterus and egg at the time of conception, right? I guess this is just my new norm!     

Saturday, February 23, 2013

My new favorite song

Sweet Nothing- Calvin Harris

You took my heart and you held it in your mouth
And, with a word all my love came rushing out
And, every whisper, it's the worst, emptied out by a single word
There is a hollow in me now

So I put my faith in something unknown
I'm living on such sweet nothing
But I'm trying to hope with nothing to hold
I'm living on such sweet nothing
And it's hard to learn
And it's hard to love
When you're giving me such sweet nothing
Sweet nothing, sweet nothing
You're giving me such sweet nothing

[Beat break]

It isn't easy for me to let it go
Cause
I've swallow every single word
And
Every whisper, every sigh
Eats away at this heart of mine
And there is a hollow in me now

So I put my faith in something unknown
I'm living on such sweet nothing
But I'm trying to hope with nothing to hold
I'm living on such sweet nothing
And it's hard to learn
And it's hard to love
When you're giving me such sweet nothing
Sweet nothing, sweet nothing
You're giving me such sweet nothing

[Beat break]

And it's not enough
To tell me that you care
When, we both know the words are empty air
You give me nothing

Uoooh
Uoooh
Uoooh
Nothing

[Beat break]

Uoooh
Uoooh
Uoooh

Sweet Nothing

Uoooh
Uoooh
Uoooh
Sweet Nothing

*It is kind of how I felt when I found out I was pregnant, miscarried, and now battling too long with infertility!

Wednesday, February 20, 2013

Would a sex contract be so bad?

WARNING contains Fifty Shades references! If you have not read the books, you may want to close this article. 

As I rip through the Fifty Shades series, I can't help but think how I could apply some of this to my infertility! This series has not only been a nice distraction from obsessing about infertility and treatment but my muse if you will. No, I don't want a BDSM relationship with my husband. I really liked the contract idea. I can't help but think how great it would be if my husband could have a procreation sex contract.

It never fails around ovulation,My husband seems less than thrilled to have procreation sex. I have to remind him of our schedule and we fall into this rut of mechanical sex for the sole purpose to have a baby. And it never fails my mother comes over unannounced around ovulation and sets up camp in our house. I have kicked her out on a few occasions explaining that we are going to have sex and it is a libido killer for her to be in our house at that time. My mother has a mental illness and has strained our relationship. Given her mental issues, I have to have a very firm boundary with her otherwise she takes advantage.

My contract will be simple and concise for my husband. I am sick of him feeling exacerbated by our prescribed sex schedule. We fought this weekend about it. I always have to remind him of when. I get angry that not only does he have the "easy part" but he is so aloof to this process. I agree that there is nothing sexy about infertility including the dialog. I explain that I take my Metformin, Synthyroid, and Clomid as prescribed because just maybe I can have the desired outcome without it being the most invasive method, ie IVF. I change my diet to lower carb due to PCOS. I get frequent blood draws and viewings of my vagina. I have the fear of possible long term effects of all these reproductive methods on my body on top of the fear of never becoming mother which has been the only thing I have continuously wanted since childhood. Money is an issue as well. Money is my husband's  weakness. Why not try everything in our power with this "cheaper method" when we have the chance. And he can't stick to the GOD DAMN schedule.  

So my contract would go something like this;
1. The wife and doctor will discuss the best sex schedule for the desire outcome, ie pregnancy.
2. The wife will inform husband of said days.
3. Once the days are established, the husband is now responsible for remembering and initiating sex.
4. There will be passion and foreplay.
5. If the husband cannot agree to the terms of the contract or fails to fulfill the terms, IUI or IVF will be the next plan paid by the husband.

Of course I am being funny but part of me would really like to try this out. My husband would be less than amused. I am just a desperate infertile woman trying to get some enjoyment from this mess. 

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Timed Sex is So Sexy!

What's not sexy about timed intercourse?Well, round 2 of clomid. The doctor still maintains timed intercourse CD 10 to CD 22 every other day. My husband was exacerbated by this schedule at first. We work opposite shifts and see each other a couple hours a day. Planning to include sex in a hectic schedule can leave you questioning how? So, on our calendar I circled the dates that the doctor prescribed. I told my husband what the circles mean since I can't put sex or fucking days on the calendar for all to see. The calendar this year was sent to us from a local church so, I already feel dirty for using it in such a manner.  It has bible verses on each month to make matters worse. But, I figure for the religious... Be fruitful and multiply is in the bible but I know they tend to frown on reproducing using medical interventions. Thank God I am not that religious LOL! Oh infertility, you continue to be ironic!

I try keeping the spice in the medically prescribed intercourse plan! But, it is very difficult at times. My husband sleeps late for his late night shifts. I walk in trying to wake him up in a sexy manner but it never seems hot. I come home and try to figure enough time to wake him, have procreation sex, make dinner, and he still has enough time to shower, shave, and leave for work.   So, now I resort to "It is CD 10, 12, 14, etc. you know what that means?!" as I shake him awake. I grab the preseed since clomid can leave you... a little dry! My husband was discouraged by the thought of all this but I reassured him it is the medication not him.

Infertility is so exhausting and I often get pissed that we have to plan and prep to attempt to have a baby. We can't be that couple that said... "It was such a surprise, we weren't even trying!" Fuck no! We have to have timed intercourse that seems like a means to end than spontaneous and loving. Sex is not fun or intimate anymore. It is clinical. Doctors tell us when to do it. I keep log of it to show doctors. I laugh at a time that I enjoyed sex. Now, I just have to pencil it in. They say not to let sex get like this. But how do you keep it fun and romantic when you battle infertility? How do you time sex and yet make it seem spontaneous? I have yet to find the answer to that. For now, I will just get drawn into romance novels looking for clues. Oh Timed sex, you are so sexy!      

Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Waiting for round 2

My doctor only prescribed one month worth of Clomid. He said call with a BFP or when AF comes. Well, I didn't get my BFP and AF came on Sunday. So, Monday I called the doctor and didn't get anywhere. I called again. They said have the pharmacy call. I called the pharmacy to refill my prescription. I go to pick it up today, they never talked to the doctor. I called and got the answering services. Ugh! I was so mad! This is CD3 and hoping to take it today. Hopefully, I get it tomorrow!

So I come home totally enraged that I couldn't get my prescription. I came home and told my husband I couldn't get the prescription and told him the story. He asked which doctor. I told him. He said oh and went to sleep. He works opposite shifts as I do and yes I woke him up. But, I wish he could have said something like oh I am sorry. Or wow I hope you can get it tomorrow. But, just annoyed that I woke him up.

I know that can perceived as inconsiderate on my part, waking him up. But he sleeps all night and we have an hour together. I don't always do this only when I am really upset and need to vent ASAP. I hate infertility! I hate his schedule and I hate that I seem needy. I really don't have anyone that understands my frustration and feel really alone in all this. I wish he could understand that too!