Thursday, January 10, 2013

Becoming someone else

During the course of the infertility, I have become someone different, someone unrecognizable. The person I was before the Hypothyroidism, PCOS, miscarriage, and infertility was happy. I laughed at everything to the point I think it frustrated others. I would talk about something new with a smile and excited. I looked forward to upcoming events such as weddings, holidays, vacations, and just outings with friends.

That has all changed. What I am left with is jealousy, depression, envy, anger, and hopelessness. Oh, I still laugh but is more at myself. I laugh because I spent money on a pregnancy test that was ultimately negative or the fact I was even hopeful. I have difficulties socializing with the majority of my friends now because the conversations are centered around children. What could I contribute? Then, you get that look from all your friends. You know that look... pity. Then, the same people say you have changed. "What happened you? You are not you." Infertility is what happened. They continue to say things like "don't let something like that change you" or "your day will come", and my favorite "God has a plan". While I watch people get pregnant month after month and I am still seeing the digital tests that appear taunting... 'Not Pregnant'! The only thing missing is the laughing joker. I often joke and say that pregnancy tests are not truly intended to test for pregnancy. But a way to ensure that Aunt Flo (AF) will come within 24 hours after peeing. I hope to see a positive pregnancy soon!

I am not entirely sure a pregnancy that results in a live baby will change me back to the person I once was. Will I be overly cautious with this child because it took a lot of heartbreak to conceive? During pregnancy will I be able able to relax or will I think that every little thing will result is a pregnancy loss or miscarriage. One positive thing I can say for sure... Infertility has made me a strong fighter.      

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