Thursday, January 31, 2013

First Clomid Cycle... A bust

It is looking like this cycle was a bust! Temperatures dropping and BFN on a FRER! I know this is my first cycle but I was hoping for a positive. I should be getting AF on Saturday which so happens to be my friend's engagement party. My husband fears I will become Kristin Wigs character from Bridesmaids. I told him no maybe if it was a baby shower! Just kidding, I wouldn't go if it was a baby shower! But I love wedding related gatherings. Children mostly don't attend and most of the time there is not too much baby talk unless the Bride-to-be breaks a ribbon or some shit! I have known the Bride-to-be the majority of my life and she never seemed too crazy about having children of her own so, even better!  

Unexpected IF Reference

As a social worker, you can be pretty involved in clients lives. They share with you some of their feelings that they might not share with others. Infertility surprisingly is not brought up very often. Seeing that 1 in 8 couples is battling infertility you would think that I would hear about more than once in a blue moon. Today's visit with a family was interesting. The mother shared this letter with me regarding a family member's struggle with infertility. It was from the perspective of the parent of the child struggling. It was beautifully written and I wished my own family was just as sensitive to IF. (My family tells me to relax or just adopt... so not sensitive) It talked about the many years TTC without success and all the emotions the parent felt for their child watching them go through such pain and heartbreak. Then, after years of TTC they finally were blessed. Which the letter further stated how people take for granted these blessing until you are faced with such challenges and to take each moment as a gift. And how things can eventually fall into place when all you have is a small glimmer of hope. 

This family has no idea that I have been TTC for a couple years and my struggles. I was fighting back tears while I was reading it. It truly amazed me. I cried as I drove back to the office and took lunch immediately to hide my emotions. It might not have came from my family, but I will hold on to those words.  

Tuesday, January 29, 2013

The waiting!

First cycle on clomid. I had an easy ride as far as side effects go. Well this is CD 23 and 11 DPO. I took a HPT today but it was negative on a Wondfo. I was thinking about picking up FRER. For now, I will just sit and wait, but I will obsess until AF or a BFP!

I think waiting on a medicated cycle is more stressful for me!

Sunday, January 13, 2013

Experience with Clomid so far

So, far the only side effects I have experienced with Clomid is night sweats. The moodiness is hard to say coming from the Clomid since TTC has turned me into an emotional mess. I take the last pill today. I know the side effects are typically after the pills have been taken so let's see what this Clomid does. 

Thursday, January 10, 2013

Becoming someone else

During the course of the infertility, I have become someone different, someone unrecognizable. The person I was before the Hypothyroidism, PCOS, miscarriage, and infertility was happy. I laughed at everything to the point I think it frustrated others. I would talk about something new with a smile and excited. I looked forward to upcoming events such as weddings, holidays, vacations, and just outings with friends.

That has all changed. What I am left with is jealousy, depression, envy, anger, and hopelessness. Oh, I still laugh but is more at myself. I laugh because I spent money on a pregnancy test that was ultimately negative or the fact I was even hopeful. I have difficulties socializing with the majority of my friends now because the conversations are centered around children. What could I contribute? Then, you get that look from all your friends. You know that look... pity. Then, the same people say you have changed. "What happened you? You are not you." Infertility is what happened. They continue to say things like "don't let something like that change you" or "your day will come", and my favorite "God has a plan". While I watch people get pregnant month after month and I am still seeing the digital tests that appear taunting... 'Not Pregnant'! The only thing missing is the laughing joker. I often joke and say that pregnancy tests are not truly intended to test for pregnancy. But a way to ensure that Aunt Flo (AF) will come within 24 hours after peeing. I hope to see a positive pregnancy soon!

I am not entirely sure a pregnancy that results in a live baby will change me back to the person I once was. Will I be overly cautious with this child because it took a lot of heartbreak to conceive? During pregnancy will I be able able to relax or will I think that every little thing will result is a pregnancy loss or miscarriage. One positive thing I can say for sure... Infertility has made me a strong fighter.      

Started Clomid

Last night was my first pill of Clomid 50mg. I started Metformin last year when I went through all that diagnostic testing. I've had plenty of time to hear, read, and perseverate over the side effects of Clomid. But I have been so sad. I have been waiting for treatment for a long time now but I am so sad. I think that now it is real and I can do something about it, I fear the failure. I think that waiting for so long to get any kind of treatment and BFN after BFN that it has drained my hope. I know that one pill of Clomid wouldn't make me feel like this already. So, I will try to be cautiously optimistic. 

Tuesday, January 8, 2013

Clomid starts tomorrow!

I went to my obgyn yesterday to discuss infertility. Towards the end of 2011 I was seen by a reproductive endocrinologist (RE). Well, as it turned out my insurance then did not cover but went through the entire diagnostic process. Right tube had minor scarring but nothing to worry about per RE. HSG otherwise normal (I know a lot could have changed in a year. Blood work indicated mild PCOS and I already knew about the hypothyroidism. Everything else, ok!

My DH is having back surgery Feb 4, 2013. I am not excited about this surgery for many reason. One, I don't like the idea of surgery on or in the central nervous system. It controls too much. He had knee surgery last year which appears worse than it started out. So, how can I relax when it comes to his back? Two, it puts a damper on our TTC. I know that sounds selfish. Over 2 years TTC and I am not getting any younger. We have put treatment off due to insurance and money. Now, we have to put treatment on hold once again! It is getting exhausting with all the obstacles. But, I will grin and bare it as if I have a choice.

The obgyn decided to give Clomid a try for one month prior to DH surgery. If this fails, I will complete all the testing over. I hope it works! I won't get another shot until May. I know the chances are slim on the first try of Clomid. But, May seems like forever! May I will be in my mid 30's. I know IUI is a possibility but unfortunately per insurance I have not exhaust my options at this point yet. So, I remain hopeful that this will be the cycle!     

Monday, January 7, 2013

Today's horoscope! Yikes!

This is today's horoscope for me today! I have an IF doctor's appointment today! He better not have grim news for me!
Taurus
"Hold onto your dreams and don't let go! You can't let anyone tell you that what you want won't ever happen. You have the passionate determination you need to make anything happen, and you don't need naysayers bringing you down right now. Stand firm. You want what you want, so give it everything you've got. Even if it looks hopeless, as long as you have hope in your heart, hope survives! You have a vision of what you want the next year of your life to be. Go out and make it happen."

Depression and infertility

Grieving is very common when battling infertility. The stages of grief are as follows; Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. I have gone through these stages before but I wanted to focus on Depression.

Depression
Depression is often a common feature with infertility. Depression can be a serious mental health concern. If depression is keeping you from completing the daily tasks or even getting out of bed, I urge you to talk with a mental health provider. I think it is good for anyone going through this to seek out counseling. Depression can come out in the form of anger as well. Suicidal ideation can also be associated with depression. I urge you, If you have had thoughts of suicide to seek out help. I read an alarming statistic this weekend that 1 in 5 people battling infertility have had suicidal ideation at some point. If someone you know is suicidal call 911 if they have a plan. Do not brush it off. Do not try to handle it yourself. Suicide.org is a great resource.
 

Fur Baby

I have a 95lb 3 year old German Shepherd who is my only "child" currently! As I type this blog, she is laying right beside me. We rescued  her from a "unreputable" breeder. I say that joking, since we thought the local police departments used this breeder but turns out they haven't in years due to over breeding. So behavior and health problems are something to look forward to, YAY!

This dog has been my rock through many ups and downs of the trying to conceive (TTC) journey. She laid across my legs for the few weeks I was pregnant to stand guard if you will. All the while, never applied pressure to my belly. She then, licked my tears as I cried from the devastation of my miscarriage. And continues to lick my tears when I cry from dealing with the hell of infertility. It kind of breaks my heart that the most support beside various IF sites I get, is from her.

Well, today I found two lumps on her. One on her back and one on her ear. Naturally, I am freaking out and fearing the worse. I tell my husband and he said he has known about them for a week. I yelled at him for not telling me and not scheduling a vet visit. I told him that I want to take her in to see what they are. He wants to wait and see. This is my biggest complaint about my husband, he always just wants to wait and see about everything. I know I frustrate him because I want to act and be proactive about everything. I always tell him that it is better to catch a small problem and fix it immediately than to clean up a big mess. Well, I plan to call the vet tomorrow. She has always been there for me, I will return the favor. She might not see it quite that way! LOL! Praying it is nothing to worry about! 

Friday, January 4, 2013

Insurance started!

The first of the year started my HMO which in the state of Illinois covers infertility. I went to my GP since this is my first time with HMO. He ordered probably every lab you could order (from a GP). Lab order included a CBC, CMP, Lipid, A1C, Thyroid screen, and urine analysis. I thought that was very thorough. Any ways, The GP told me I don't need a referral for the gynecologist but wanted to ensure those labs were ordered to ensure my overall health before starting IF treatment. BP was 116/80, heart rate 78, and lungs clear. I should find out the results sometime next week. Monday the 7th I finally have my first appointment with my gynecologist to start the treatment process. I went to an RE in 2011 so I hope nothing has changed since that visit. Unfortunately, I have to exhaust all my resources with my gynecologist before going to an RE unless the problem is serious, (Fingers crossed simple Clomid will do the trick). I just can't believe it is hear! I have been waiting on insurance coverage for over a year.