Saturday, November 9, 2013

Infertility, Pregnancy, and Insecurities!

This week my husband had surgery on his back. As if that is not stressful enough... His preop nurse was his ex girlfriend. I never really liked hearing about my husband's past relationships but after infertility it makes the sting a little worse.

First, we never had a super sexual relationship even before specimen cups and stirrups. Then, I meet two women he supposedly had a hypersexual relationship with. And one being you guessed it, his preop nurse. Wonderful! Sometimes, unexpected situations causes a new insecurity to surface. I always a little insecure about his less than enthusiastic views on our sex life. I have heard that I pressure him to it is his medications to he is just not that sexual of a person. The most recent excuse was that it was his back. I backed off with that one. We have gone to therapy and I have backed off on the "pressuring him". After, I backed off, the sex completely stopped. We have not had sex since beginning of July before our IUI.I am waiting to see if after he recovers, it will come back. I know a weeping woman is not exactly hot.

Moving on to the nurse. Yeah, I have met her before but it has been a while. Right before we got married he told me he ran into her. He told her that we were engaged blah blah blah! Apparently she was crying after he told her. I am not really sure why he tells me this. Why when we run into women from his past, he tells me this stuff. We could walk past 5 guys I was with in my past and he would never know, because it is not something I need to divulge. Also, it doesn't do any good to make him feel insecure.

So, while we were at the hospital waiting for the preop process. A girl walks by and he says, "Oh my God, it's (insert name)!" I was like who. I was dumbfounded for a minute until it dawned on me who she was. And is now going to be his preop nurse. Oh good and he gets to go back into that room alone, with her, while I sit in the preop waiting room. Then, she comes to get me, "Are you J's wife?" And we go back into the room. I look at my husband and state the obvious of how awkward that was. He goes on and on about how crazy. Of all the hospital employees, she was his nurse. Laughing and smiling and not letting it go while she is out of the room. He then, proceeds to tell me that she has popped out 2 kids since we got married, with that piece of shit she was with. Ok, this is that part that left me fucked up. I understand that I am currently pregnant but it took blood, sweat, and tears, not to mention doctors prying into your sex life and thousands of dollars. Don't get me wrong, I am grateful but I hate the reminder of people doing it so easily. I hate it even more when I hear his ex was one of them.

I kept thinking does he wish he stayed with her? He would have more money in the bank! He would not have lost his first child! He would not have gone through all that embarrassment with doctors and semen analysis. He would not have gone through all of this, if he would have married someone who wasn't defective.  Maybe, even her?

Then, I wondered how much he told her about our struggles? I am open about this with most people but she has the upper hand on this and she was with my fucking husband. I know that I technologically have him but it is hard to feel secure after infertility. Especially, after he has gone on and on about how feels bad for her and what an asshole she ended up with. He seemed so flattered to have her attention once again. That she was such a nice girl.Yeah, not making it any better! And she is fucking fertile!                  

Friday, October 25, 2013

I am not "resolved" yet!

I have become the biggest bitch to my husband. It is a combination of fear and hormones making me get so angry. After going through miscarriage and infertility I fear the worse. I Google everything! Which in turn makes me worse. I just fear the day that he says I am done with her crazy ways. My counselor discontinued seeing me as I have "resolved" my infertility. I keep telling people I don't feel as it is resolved since I have not given birth to healthy baby. They really don't understand. I have seen what can go wrong. I know pregnancy doesn't guarantee a baby. I know fertility treatments don't always work.

I also get from people that I am not truly infertile. I realize how lucky I am but I will always consider myself infertile. I didn't have a hot night with my husband and happened to get pregnant. Timed intercourse didn't work. Doctors and science helped me. GOD FORBID this doesn't workout, do I have the strength to go through it all again. What will it take next time? So, these are just some fears of mine.

I will never be able to enjoy being pregnant after all that. I will not feel "resolved" until I can hold a living breathing baby!      

A little scare at 17 weeks

While at work on Friday, I went to the bathroom. I noticed what looked like a small clot in the toilet. About the size of a sesame seed. I didn't really pay attention when I walked into that stall if it was there from the previous person. I was freaking out assuming it was from me. I went home and called my dr. Long story short, I have a Urinary Tract Infection. The clot mostly not from me, fetal heart rate 151. So far so good.

Wednesday, September 4, 2013

1/4 of the way through!

I still feel very much infertile. I know I am pregnant but I think I will always feel infertile. I told my husband, it ain't over until I have a crying baby in my arms. The good news is I made it past my lost milestone yesterday (CD70 and 10 weeks). I hope to keep this bun cooking for another 30 weeks.

I scheduled my NT ultrasound for 9/19. I don't know why I even bother with the genetic tests. I think they cause more stress than they are worth. If I have a child with Down Syndrome, it is not like I would terminate the pregnancy anyway. I refuse to do any of the invasive tests. Why risk the the 1 out of 1000 chance that it would end the pregnancy to find out if they have a genetic abnormality? Again, not going to terminate the pregnancy if there were concerns.

Well, in two weeks I get to see my bean again. It feels so far away!  

Wednesday, August 28, 2013


I don't know about you, but I research everything pertaining to my health concerns. I am kind of a control freak like that! I feel knowledge is power and if I obtain the knowledge I have some power over my health. I don't blindly listen to my doctors. This kind of craziness has proven effective in my own treatment.

My first GP told me he doesn't treat thyroid disease until the TSH is above 10. I ran not walked to a doctor that believed under 2 is best for TTC and pregnancy. I explained that I was TTC and I thought under 2 was best. He said no that I would most likely be hyper then. What? I found GP's are not a good source of knowledge when it comes to thyroid disease. When I asked about thyroid antibody tests, he looked at me as if I said it in Swahili.

I was talking to a woman the other day. I could not help but notice her neck. I could clearly see the outline of her thyroid. I debated on telling her that I believed that she had a thyroid disorder. But would she look at me like, butt out of my health? I didn't have to! She proceeded to tell me she was in the process of getting a diagnosis of Hashimoto but said she feels fine except for a little tired. I said I would get on medication now before the symptoms really start. It is a disease that slowly progresses. She said her doctor told her that as well. I am going to need the name and number of this GP. She appeared to to still be in the denial stage right now. I hope she gets the treatment she needs.

Monday, August 26, 2013

Being released from RE

So nervous. I was released from RE on Friday at 8w2d due to my insurance and things are so far doing well. The ultrasound showed it measuring on time with a heart beat of 179 bpm. So now I am scheduled with an Ob. I wish I could have stayed a little longer to be sure. My endocrinologist checked my thyroid and A1C. The thyroid is doing well with a TSH 1.01 and the Free T's are above normal. Which she said that is what she wants. My A1C is not terrible but not stellar at 5.8. Under 6 is what they want for pregnancy but definitely have to watch it especially since I am already on Metformin 2000mg. I sure as hell don't want to be on insulin! Damn you PCOS! As always being a little bitch.

We told our parents this weekend with a couple ultrasound pictures in a card. I feel like maybe we should have waited a couple more weeks. Just in case. 

Wednesday, August 14, 2013

So far so good!

I apologize for not posting. I was afraid I'd lose my readers post BFP. Things have been going ok so far since the BFP. My betas doubled normally. It was really stressful going every other day for a week and a half. When the nurse would call, I would hold my breath! After years of trying and a miscarriage in between, I was on edge! So far things are progressing normally. My 6 week ultrasound showed a baby with a heartbeat of 121. I couldn't see anything but I will take the docs word on it. I did however hear it.

I am cautiously optimistic! My TSH was 1.01 today and my free T4 and T3 was high. According to my endocrinologist, that is normal and perfect for pregnancy. Since I have PCOS with insulin resistance, my endocrinologist wants me to take this 4 hour diabetes class. As preventative measures! That would be great but my insurance doesn't cover preventative anything. It doesn't matter if I am at a greater risk for gestational diabetes. They will pay when some diseases arise but prevention? Which to me, would it not be cost effective to stop a disease before it starts? But that is not what the US gov./ money making insurance companies believes in. You know to stop something before it is a clutter fuck! But this blog is not about politics. My husband just told me to find out the cost before going and we will go from there. I just hope it is not $100/ hour. Yikes! I am sure my RE bill will be in the thousands. I am not looking forward to that one! I am sure the day I am released, I will I get the bill.

Over the past couple months I have had so many blood draws, I am worried people might think I am a heroin addict. Not complaining! You won't hear one complaint out of me. As long as everything goes good, I don't care. 

This pregnancy feels different! I have more symptoms and the only cramping I have is on the left side where the corpus luteum cyst is. I was instructed to take it easy based on the cramping but was reassured that they are common and resolve on their own after the first trimester when the placenta takes over. I sadly still hide news feeds on Facebook regarding pregnancy and new born babies. Just in case you know! But as of right now, so far so good. I go for my next ultrasound 8/23. Fingers and toes crossed for something good. And thank you for still reading!


Monday, July 29, 2013

Can't believe it!

***Warning***  BFP mentioned

Oh boy! Super nervous! I am actually pregnant! I took a Dollar Tree HPT and very faint line. Clear Blue digital "Pregnant". My first beta was 44-13 days past IUI. My second beta was 138-15 days past IUI. I can't believe it actually worked but now... It has to stick! Just an FYI... Dollar Tree tests suck! My beta at the doctor 138, super faint line on Dollar Tree and claim it measures 25. My last pregnancy, not a great measurement since it was my angel baby, I was about 6 weeks before Dollar Tree test had a significant line. 

After having a miscarriage a couple years ago, I am so nervous! I think a miscarriage takes that from you. The joy of a BFP is not the same. You are more aware of things your were once nonchalant about. I will not be planning and prepping like the usual people! My planning is when can my thyroid be monitored. Oh betas every other day, well please squeeze in a thyroid level after all you are right there.

Facebook announcements are lame and hurtful. I am not planning to tell anyone in real life for as long as I can. It still doesn't feel real and there is always a chance. I think if I didn't have a miscarriage and go through infertility, I would be singing right now but I won't believe this is actually real until I have a baby in my arms.   

Friday, July 19, 2013

My letter to Aunt Flo

Dearest Aunt Flo,

We have had a rocky relationship over the years. You have shown up unannounced when I was ill prepared and you made quite the fool out me. Other times you were late arriving and you lead me to believe you took a much wanted 9 month sabbatical only to show up late. One day late I can handle but those times you showed up over a month late... What were you trying to do to me? I am getting the sense I am not your favorite niece as you have been much kinder to some of your other nieces I know. So, I wanted to clear the air with you maybe in return you could me nicer to me.

As of right now, I would really appreciate if you took a nice long vacation. As a peace offering, I have included a 9 month all inclusive, all expenses paid vacation to be redeemed hopefully soon. It would be nice if you could leave this month then return in early April. It would be much appreciated! Since, I know you are rather stubborn and there is chance you will take your sweet time with redeeming this or you may even rip it up. I hope you accept this present and cash it in ASAP. Please don't take offense and come with vengeance this month. I realize you will be departing for good in about 10-15 years which is why I want to accept this gift sooner rather than later. Please consider this as I know I am your least favorite niece. Thank you in advance!


One of your least favorite nieces 


Thursday, July 18, 2013

Comfortable in Stirrups

Remember how it first felt emotionally with your first pelvic exam? Nervous and uncomfortable to be undressed in front your doctor. Your private parts now exposed. I always dreaded my yearly female exam because I felt so exposed!

Fast forward to now. 3 years of infertility and a miscarriage in between. My lady parts have never been more on display in those 3 years than my entire life. Various doctors poking and prodding in those 3 years. Numerous internal ultrasounds and various checks whether it was to check before, during, and after miscarriage, how the reproduction system is holding up during treatment, or if I am responding. I realized at my last ultrasound appointment that I am relaxed. What? Strip from the waste down is no longer embarrassing and I have been conditioned to this experience as my new norm. I have dropped my pants more this month for my RE than I have for my husband.

I laughed when I came to this realization. I am actually comfortable in stirrups! As the ultrasound was taken place last time, the woman asked if my ovaries are usually difficult to find. I told her, "No, they move sometimes they are either 'here I am' others they are stubborn and hiding". She told me it may hurt a little since she has to move the wand around to find them. And it didn't even phase me. A female nurse is probing me with medical equipment shaped like a dildo and it was as if I was getting a haircut. IUI was the same thing. A little nervous on the procedure but not waste down part or laying there for 15-20 minutes with no pants on.

I wondered if other women going through this, lost the embarrassment with continuous clinical pelvic exposure? Felt it to be as routine as brushing your teeth? Were they as well desensitized to this? I am not sure if this is a good thing or not but it sure is funny how things can become routine! I haven't even given birth yet!             

Monday, July 15, 2013

Progesterone levels

A good nurse can fine my veins despite they are deep and rolling. (That goes for my ovaries too!) But then I get these women that are not so good. I get jabbed and stabbed a few times and still don't get a good sample! Today was my progesterone levels and this was the day I get jabbed too many times. Have you ever felt like they were threading the needle in your arm? Yes! That was today! They got about a thimble full and said that should be enough. Ugh my poor arms! Every week two arms multiple jabs. My neighborhood lab facility does a much better job at drawing blood than my RE office. The last time I was with this office, about 2 years ago (PPO only covered dx not tx so stopped until covered tx blah blah blah). I had a blood test to check to see if my body could handle Metformin. The girl jabbed herself with my dirty needle and I had to sign for blood-born path testing. I reassured the naive, barely looked 20 years old, girl that I have recently been tested and not to worry about Hep or HIV. Luckily for her, the tests came back clean. Every time I go to the RE lab I always think about that girl. I am pretty sure the phlebotomists they hire are newbies!

They called me this afternoon and my progesterone is 27. Now, I had better progesterone with my ObGyn. I was in the 30's with him and high 20's with RE. Grasping at straws here. They say that is fine and no need to supplement.

Until next week... More jabs but this time Beta! Oh let there be a significant number!
Everything Crossed LOL! 

Wednesday, July 10, 2013

First IUI

Well, I completed my first IUI cycle. Not bad! I was so nervous. I really didn't know what to expect. We arrived at 9PM with the sperm for washing. We waited for an hour. They called me in. My wonderful husband did not want to go into the room with me. I went into one of the ultrasound rooms. They showed me the syringe with the washed sperm and told me there were 12 million sperms, 97% motility, and 80% morphology. What a relief! My husband's sperm did not do so hot the last time it was analyzed back in May.  These were great numbers in comparison.They told me to strip the waist down and they were right. It felt no different than a Pap (when the doctor actually knows what they are doing). No pain and she even heated the forceps. It was over in a few minutes. She said my cervix was perfect. I laid and waited a few minutes before I left.

I came out and my husband asked was that it. I said yes, it wasn't bad and I hope it works. He said he thinks it will. I asked him why he did not want to go in the room with me. He asked if the sperm was placed in there with a needle. I said no and laughed a little. He said he thought it inserted with a needle and couldn't bare to see that. I said no a syringe with a clear cocktail like straw attached at the end no needles. I laughed so hard with that one.

So now it is the 2 week wait. We will see!!

Monday, July 8, 2013

Signs? Coincidence? Or just desperate?

I am the type of person that looks for signs. Especially when times are questionable and I am at a crossroad.

A few years ago I was driving home after learning my mother's house was in foreclosure and was extremely depressed. I asked for a sign and this is what I drove by at the time I asked for a sign. My name is not that common and was floored when I saw it.
Not exactly a profound sign! I did find it amusing that it was on a certified financial planners board! Since I found out my mother could no longer afford her mortgage. P.S. I don't play soccer and the most I care about soccer is to see hottie David Beckham!

This weekend I felt like a Disney character with the birds around me. On the 4th of July we came home to a bird on our front porch. It did not fly away or move away as we approached it. I thought maybe it was injured but it wasn't.
We must have nice earthworms in our yard. They have camped out there ever since. Not even scared of my German Shepherd. I thought maybe the bird was pregnant or procreating somehow.

Then, there is this! Last night it was my best friend's birthday and she had a BBQ. And this little guy flew down to join the party. He was very comfortable with us approaching him and even touching his tail feathers. I kept moving because I thought he was going to crap on my head. He followed me everywhere I sat around the table. I am not sure if he is a dove or a white pigeon... What do you think?
Don't worry about his little leg! He was seriously posing for the camera. That claw is fine. For fun, I looked it up. A white pigeon or dove can symbolize a lot of various things. Peace, forever love, messengers from God, a spirit, and goddess of fertility. When I read that they could also represent the fertility Goddess Astarte, I almost cried! On the night I triggered this is the bird that came out of nowhere. I have never seen anything like it before in my life. So comfortable with people as if he was pulled out of a magicians hat. Who knows if this is a sign or a coincidence? But, I am a desperate infertile that wants this to be a good fertility sign! 


1st IUI cycle and hopefully the last!

So, I finished my Clomid 100mg on the 4th of July. And went for my first scan on the 5th. Very much to my surprise I had 4 follicles beginning to mature. I thought it would have taken more time since I just finished the last dosage the night before. My right ovary had 3 follicles with the largest 15mm. On my left ovary I had one at 13mm. My uterus was 7.4mm. They like to see 8mm at trigger. I received the phone call on Friday that my IUI will be scheduled Tuesday at 10 am. I was instructed to do the baby dance Saturday night and Trigger with Ovidrel on Sunday night at 10 am. Thank God I requested the delivered for the meds on Saturday, the specificity pharmacy wanted to send the on Monday. I told them I want them ASAP since I was not sure how I would respond to the increased dosage. On 50mg I ovulated on CD 12. They want to do the IUI 36 hours after trigger.

We did the deed on Saturday night into Sunday morning as prescribed by the doctor. I triggered Sunday night. I was so nervous. My husband also learned how to give me the shot. I was relying on that since I thought I would chicken out but he had to be at work at the time of trigger. I never had to give myself a shot before and was extremely nervous. I followed the directions and made sure I got the air out. That was probably what I was most nervous about. Wiped the alcohol pad and injected it into my nice plump fat roll (I knew that love handle would come in handy!). After I did it, I thought that is what I hyped up. I didn't even feel it. I felt the pinch from my hand and the needle was a little hard to get through the skin but the actual shot I felt nothing. I am hoping that this is the last of the shots and this will be successful!  I will know on the 22nd if it was a success. Fingers and toes crossed!


Tuesday, July 2, 2013

Letting someone else worry about it

So it wasn't just me. Other people have noticed my change in demeanor.  My supervisor noticed that I have been happier. He said something to me while I was making copies yesterday. He said he has noticed for about a week now I have been really happy, is it because of the 4th and I will be off? No, but yes that is a good thing as well. I just feel a weight has been lifted off of me now that I am with an RE. I am not going to Pee On A Stick (POAS) anymore! I don't have to guess when ovulation is based on ambiguous lines or missing the smiley face. I am not going to guess if this is a pregnancy symptom and pray that was a false negative. Being with an RE that is monitoring you and tell you what you have to do feels so much better than me being the baby dance Nazi to my husband or loosing my mind guessing if we hit the right day. I decided I have worried for a couple years about getting pregnant, let someone else worry about it now! So, Dr. R. and your fine nurses can worry!

Friday, June 28, 2013

Baselines. Now on business!

Today I went for my first baseline at the RE office. It went well! Ultrasound showed many follicles on each ovary but they are not the "typical" Polycystic Ovary appearance per RE office. They said "typical PCO" are enlarged and round bulging.  Mine were "normal sized" and oval. But I still have several follicles. My blood work was all normal as well. The only number I really requested was my thyroid. I am so happy that it has been stable for a year now.   I typically remember TSH even though they test Free T4 and Free T3. 100mcg started in 7/12 (TSH was 4.5 thanks to the iodine in prenatals). My TSH on 9/12 was .0.9, 1/13 was 1.3, 4/13 was 0.7, and 6/13 was 1.33 (iodine free prenatals). I will start my Clomid again at 100mg. Monitored again on 7/5/13 and once it shows a mature follicle and not over stimulated I will use Ovidrel as my HCG trigger then go for my IUI.

So Sunday I start the Clomid with strict instructions for the RE. Take between 8-10PM, then take it same time every day after. Much different than the ObGyn instructions here take this call me when pregnant. My husband asked why I threw a bottle of Tylenol the last time I was on it. LOL I don't remember maybe it was the drug induced Intermittent Explosive Disorder with psychotic rage? Oh Clomid I think you could turn a sweet Pollyanna type into a psychotic Glenn Close from Fatal Attraction type! My husband said jokingly if there are Gamma rays in that stuff? Of all the superhero shows I grew up on, my favorite was the Incredible Hulk. Hmmm....

I don't find it promising that I will be any calmer on twice the dosage as the last time. I just hope we get our baby.

Wednesday, June 26, 2013

It begins!

As I previously posted I was awaiting Aunt Flo so I could go for baselines, she arrived today. I go first thing Friday morning for baselines and I should know how everything is by that evening or afternoon. If all goes well, I will start my Clomid 100mg on CD5. Not looking forward to Clomid. My cycles are painful and heavy on them. Not on clomid I am fine (which is why I am still trying to wrap my head around the whole endometriosis possibility). I still debate as to what would have been worse, an STD that caused scarring but is now gone or endometriosis. I always go back to the later. When they like the size of my follicles I will trigger with Ovidrel. Then IUI! I wish my husband could freeze his boys for when it is go time. Is it bad of me that I feel he will buckle under the pressure? On IUI day, I have to bring his sample with me. I hope everything lines up!

Tuesday, June 25, 2013

Aunt Flo is a tricky bitch!

Now, I sit and wait for my baselines. I go in for blood work and ultrasound on or around CD 3. I am hoping if there is any changes it is for the better. After being told that I might have endometriosis, I hope all is well with the lady parts. I know you can't really tell on an ultrasound, I just hope there is nothing on my ovaries.

I found out that my insurance approved the baselines so now just waiting for Aunt Flo and when it comes to times like these, she is a tricky little bitch. Always showing at the least convenient times and psyching you out to believe pregnancy is a possibility. I am too familiar with her tricks by now! After all this time... I know better than to take a test to only have my heart sink to the floor. I have stock piled feminine products in every major place I spend most of my time (Home, Office, Car, etc.). But there is one thing... My work schedule. As I examine all the possibilities of date of arrival, I have to consider where I will be (at work) on or around CD 3. The majority of my schedule depends on others. I have no say of dates and times for the majority of my meetings I attend each month. Sometimes, 8:30A or 5:30P and everything in between. So, it now all boils down to Aunt Flo and her estimated time of arrival is anywhere from tomorrow through Sunday. I am sure she will be her usual bitchy self and not show anywhere between those dates just to fuck up my plans. As for my all day mandatory meeting in July, I am sure she will make sure my job is on the line with her arrival date. But oh wait, what if you are pregnant? No! I couldn't be so lucky and besides my husband and I only BD'ed once this month and it was not even close to possible ovulation. So, I hope she is considerate of my time this month since she insists on showing her face every month.     

Thursday, June 20, 2013

Finding the humor

Yesterday was my first RE appointment. Well, not exactly the first. I was with them before back in 2011, when I had PPO. So, they had all my information from the last time as well as what my ObGyn did. They said I may have a new diagnosis... Endometriosis. My HSG last time showed a slower than normal draining of the contrast dye. I don't have stereotype symptoms. On CD I have cramping that needs some OTC pain medications. I don't have painful BM's, urination, or intercourse. I don't bleed in between periods (at all). Also, never had an STD I have been checked throughout my 20's and recently for my referral.

So, I have known I have anovulation due to my PCOS and Hypo. But my husband Semen Analysis showed 7% morphology and I don't think it is his motility but is the test that determines how straight the boys are swimming. Well, I guess it is on a scale of 0-4, his is a 2. I said in the office jokingly, my ovaries are stubborn and my husbands swimmers are no Michael Phelps! His boys need to swim to Canada but are stopping at Detroit and my eggs are hiding. The doctor told us it is good to have a sense of humor with these things. She said when you can laugh at this you can have a better outcomes. After 3 years of crying, I am now finding the humor!   

Thursday, June 13, 2013

Positive feedback trumps the negative

While I have had negative feedback regarding my IF post on Facebook a few times... Something positive came out of it! A girl who reads my posts about PCOS and Hypothyroidism told me that she read my post which prompted her to get tested. She found out that she does have PCOS and is going for blood work for it. She also asked about getting a thyroid level too since in many posts the 2 go together frequently. So, I may annoy some but at least I helped one!

This girl also said she now completely understands what I mean when people can be really insensitive about this stuff. She said on the day she found out she has PCOS and told her friends. People where saying hurtful things to her. She said one girl told her that she could have her fertility. Another girl told her kids are overrated. I let her know that some women with PCOS can conceive without any problems while others need help. PCOS doesn't mean you will never have kids. She told me she cried with the diagnosis and how horrible people can be! 

Still waiting

The referral is going to be the death of me. I finally get everything that is needed for this referral to only get denied. After multiple phone calls to various people. I figured it out. It was not completed... This referral. There were questions on the back of it that were not answered. I call the Dr who is writing the referral explaining what the insurance company told me. The girl asked how do I know. I got a little mad since it has been 2 months and no referral yet. I told her I called the insurance company and they finally told me. She said she needed to take a look at it. She said that yes there were questions if she could ask me. Yeah! Questions like have I had my tubes tied? Am I younger than 36? (This one scared me because, yes barely! So will the insurance drop when I am 36+?) So for now, we are on track but I am not letting it go this easily. 

Monday, June 3, 2013

Ok so she is in labor... next order of business!

So, a coworker was pregnant and is currently in labor. Why is that the only thing everyone is talking about? We knew her due date was approaching! No work related topic just this. Well, it has been driving me nuts all day. I am happy for her don't get me wrong but the fact that this the only thing that everyone is talking about is getting on my nerves. I had several people come up to me asking if I had heard that she was in labor. If I knew what she was having. I replied, she wanted it to me surprised so she didn't know until she gave birth. Do you know if she had the baby yet or is she still in labor? Oh for the love of God! I know just as much as you do! Please just leave me alone on this topic. (I am still waiting on my referral for my RE!)

I really wish I would be unaffected by this! Other people having babies. I hate to be a bitter infertile. I also hate that everyone is so obsessed with babies and pregnant women.Why does it seem that the value of a woman depends on squeezing a human out of her vagina? Every time I have to answer... "Do you have any children?" It is like telling people no I don't I am telling them I am Lilith reincarnated! Why? I am an ass these days and with that question I tell them, "I am fucking barren do you have anymore questions?" That shuts them up!

Today, I just want to go home. I wish I had a better coping mechanism for this. I wish I knew if I was going to be a parent but for now it is in God and science's hands!

Friday, May 24, 2013

The Referral!

I have been absent lately! I started the referral process. Yes! Process! I have been getting a phone call a day stating I need this test or that test. I requested the referral on 4/29/13 and I am not much further. I was called to get an STD test. What? I have been married for 3 years. Ok, I will play and get this testing done. Yay! Just as I suspected, no STD's. Then, I get another call. My husband needs a more recent semen analysis. Ok great! I don't know about your partner, my husband hates them. He complied and there was the hole up. I really don't remember how long it took for the results but it took over 2 weeks. I called every day trying to get them to the doctor in tome for the referral and could make the appointment.  My appointment with the RE was scheduled for 5/21/13. Now it is rescheduled for 6/19/13. I just go a call stating I need an HSG I asked is the one I had done in November 2011 no good? I got "Oh you have had one, it is not in your file". WHAT THE FUCK? Why is something from 2011 not in my file. It was $4000 the last time and I really don't want to go through with that. So, I am hunting down the HSG. I swear everyone I am dealing with has absolutely shit for brains I just need a referral. Too long in the making if you ask me. I would think that they would have some kind of check list for what was needed and give it to me all at once instead of 50 phones calls! SERIOUSLY!

Wednesday, May 1, 2013

Insurance Update

So an update on this insurance madness. My husband needs another semen analysis and I need to be checked out for STD's. I swear insurance makes it so difficult to see a reproductive endocrinologist so they figure that you say forget it and they don't have to pay out. Oh dear God let this be it. I will need time off for RE appointments but I can't keep taking time off for pre-appointments. So, I scheduled my STD screen for the same I am supposed to get my period. I hope I am late for so many different reason!!!

Tuesday, April 30, 2013

Mandated state doesn't mean it will be roses and butterflies

So, I live in a mandated state! Which is pretty much a joke. It took almost took 2 years to actually get coverage because of the loopholes. llinois law requires HMO's to provide coverage for infertility to employee groups of more than 25. The law does not apply to self-insured employers or to trusts or insurance policies written outside Illinois. I had two PPO's prior. So, when I learned that HMO covers my husband switched to HMO once open enrollment took place.

Fast forward to now. I have read the insurance requirements and the entire section of the insurance booklet regarding infertility for my HMO. Unfortunately, my work only provides PPO insurance and that does not cover anything in/fertility related. These mandates are great... when they apply!!! It is our job to figure out when they actually apply so it can work in our favor.

If you have been reading I took Clomid for 3 cycles unsuccessfully. My ObGyn had me stop and was going to refer me to a Reproductive Endocrinologist but recommended weight loss. I am new to this HMO. I know a referral is needed for any specialist but unsure how exactly to get it. I went to my GP and he referred me. Well, finding a doctor was a bit tricky that accepted my BCBS HMO that was in our network. They found a total of 2 doctors. TWO! Coincidentally, I went to this clinic but had a different doctor a while back when I knew nothing of the insurance and paid out of pocket. I can only see the one doctor now in this clinic. I was so relieved to get this referral I called and set up my appointments. I called my ObGyn's office to send my records to the name of the clinic and Doctor's name. The ObGyn office called me stating I can't go to the clinic I have to see the Doctor I was given the referral for. I explained that I was the doctor is out of that clinic and it was the address and phone number of what the insurance company gave. Now, they are checking on it to be sure.

Oh Jesus please let this work out! It seems I get so close to only find yet another road block! Holy shit! Just because you live in a mandated state does not mean you will for sure be covered or everything is all roses and butterflies!

For more information on infertility related mandates in your state  

Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Join the movement.

I joined the movement because I am the 1 in 8. My friends and family knows my history as well as the ladies I communicate with on the various internet sites I subscribe to. They know I have had  one miscarriage and battle infertility for 3 years due to Hashimoto (an autoimmune disease that attacks the thyroid gland causing hypothyroidism) and Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). For the most part, educating my family and friends were easy. I am an open book and felt very comfortable talking about what is was like to battle a disease that is not looked at like any other disease. They understood and when ever anyone had questions I would answer them openly. On occasion I would get the "Why don't you adopt?" or questions like that. I would explain that I am not closed the idea but I would love to have a biological and hope beyond hope that someday it will happen.

When I came out on Facebook about my struggles with infertility, I was floored with how many private messages I received with support and stories about their own struggles. Every so often, I would get that one person that did not get it. I joked one day about charging people money for every hurtful comment about infertility and the price was contingent on how hurtful the statement was in my opinion. I wrote further that I would have money for IVF in no time. One person replied that if I can't handle the comments then I shouldn't talk about such personal things on social media. A coworker saw the comment before I did. She replied that instead of further tearing someone down that is going through a major life crisis that we should instead support and respect them. She later sent me a private messaged me stating that she is not currently trying to conceive but I have educated her on the subject. She told me that she supports and respects my cause. This touched me more than anything. A woman that is not currently trying to conceive or going through infertility, understands and is supportive.

I may have only educated one person throughout my three years. I may have reached only one person. I joined the movement not only for me but for the 7.3 million men and women that are dealing with the emotional, physical, and financial pain of infertility. Emily Dickinson said it best...

If I can stop one heart from breaking,

I shall not live in vain;
If I can ease one life the aching,
Or cool one pain,
Or help one fainting robin
Unto his nest again,
I shall not live in vain.


Wednesday, April 17, 2013

My endocrinolgy appointment

I saw my endocrinologist today. I thought I was hypo again. But I am not! My TSH is 0.7 and the upper normal levels of my Free's (T4 and T3). As far as my thyroid goes, I am perfect for TTC since around 1 is ideal. I have not had an increase of my Synthroid since July/August. This is the longest I have gone without an increase. Yay!!!! She asked how TTC has been coming along. i kind of laughed and said, "I am not pregnant yet!" I have done 3 rounds of Clomid and my progesterone was in the 30's. She asked if the Obgyn referred me to a reproductive endocrinologist. I said no. She looked at my chart and told me that I have been trying for too many years not to be referred. I asked if my weight was a concern. She said my weight is not preventing me from getting pregnant and I really should see a specialist to find out the root cause. All the hormones she checks (blood sugar/TSH & free's/ insulin) have been within normal trying to conceive range for over 6 months. She told me to go to my primary doctor for a referral. 

Friday, April 12, 2013

What I sometimes do to get by

I am doing better today! After my doctors appointment the other day I felt a little broken. Not having any kind of plan besides lose more weight feels like I am fighting an uphill battle. Also, the torture of sitting in a waiting room with nothing but pregnant women, Ugh! That was my hell! The only one in a room with an empty uterus! Even the nurses were pregnant! I was thinking get me the hell out of here before I cry or scream profanities.  Had I been a character of some comedy, I would have said to the women in the waiting room. "Must be nice to be fertile. Just have sex and get pregnant! I have no fucking idea what that's like!". I picture the woman Kristen Wiig was sitting next to on the plane in Bridesmaids.  Sometimes, I think about how could I put a funny twist on this uncomfortable situation as if it was a comedy. It keeps me distracted and a little calmer to think how could I make this shit funny. Cheaper and safer than psychotropic meds right?  

Thursday, April 11, 2013

Not the best doctors appointment

So, my doctors appointment was nothing how I anticipated. I thought more tests were going to be ran due to the 3 failed Clomid. Nope! It was more a discussion on how I need to lose 20lbs before he could refer me to a reproductive endocrinologist. I am not currently taking any fertility medications just Synthroid and Metformin. He told me to add a baby aspirin. Ok! So I am going to waste my time doing nothing for months but lose weight. I could have visited my mother for free to get that conversation. Why should my insurance be charged $130. You could have told me this over the phone.
I am the one in the blue tank top and jeans sitting by the bar with the wavy blond hair. Yes, not the skinniness but really my weight is the problem for TTC?

Tuesday, April 9, 2013

3 clomid cycles ended in BFN!

So 3 Clomid cycles have ended with no pregnancy to show for it. I called the doctor when AF arrived and he wants me to stop Clomid for more tests. My progesterone levels have been great (in the 30's) and now on to something else. My appointment is tomorrow and I will find out more. I am a little nervous to see what he has in mind. I hope not another HSG! I hated that test. I am ok with more blood work. It is funny... before all this I hated blood work. Now I help them find my vein. I'll even offer to bandage myself. Well, if you want to look at the positive, I guess I no longer have a fear of needles. A little nervous about this appointment.     

Monday, April 8, 2013


I started to see a new counselor recently. She experienced infertility herself which is reassuring. What prompted me to seek out counseling was various problems seem to be piling up and I have no control over any of them. My mother found herself a new friend who has a significant mental illness as well. They are living together. I feel they both need a structured environment which neither one can provide for each other. I tried talking to her about it but keeps defending her decisions. This on top of 3 years of infertility makes a person feel a little burnt out.

I was crying everyday because of these two stressors. Both problems I have no control over yet it consumed every waking hour worrying about the outcome.

I made a list of things I enjoyed at the request of my counselor and my positive attributes. Things I enjoyed was easy once I got going. I had 80 things on this list. The positive attributes were a little difficult. She wants to practice positive self talk and workout a few days a week. She wants me to focus on things I enjoy doing and incorporate at least one of them daily.

I felt better this past week than I have in a while. Infertility alone can bring about many negative emotions. Sometimes, it is difficult to focus on something positive or happy when all you have ever wanted was to be a mom. When that is threatened your world can feel like it is falling apart. When is rains, it pours. I recently read  The Bell Jar (25th Edition, Anniversary) by Plath, Sylvia/ McCullough, (Google Affiliate Ad). I was starting to feel like Ester Greenwood. This is no way to live! I will keep you posted on my progress!

Monday, March 25, 2013

Why I avoid fertiles!

As a woman battling with infertility, I avoid fertiles like the plaque! It can be difficult to keep friends. But besides the obvious baby announcements, showers, and birthday parties... there is another reason! Have you ever been in a room with fertiles? It can be quite awkward! I was recently invited to a 31 party. It looks like a purse party or baby diaper party. I didn't investigate it very far! Well, my invite I received  was via Facebook. I am friends with her in real life and she is pregnant #4! As if that isn't enough! The 30+ women she invited are all mothers too! I learned this by viewing their Facebook pictures in the invite section! YES ALL MOTHERS!

I avoid fertiles or should I say parties that contain them. It is never fun for me and not just for the obvious reasons! Because this is what usually happens...

Fertile #1:  "Do you have any kids????"
Me: (big hard gulp)  "No"
Fertile #1: (All loud and perky) "OMG why not? It is so awesome!!!! It is such a blessing and the best thing I ever did!"

Now do I go into details? Do I say I have battled with infertility for years and one miscarriage to show for it? Do I go into I have PCOS and hypothyroidism from Hashimoto's (an autoimmune disease that attacks the thyroid glad)? Do I tell them I am currently on Clomid, Metformin, and Synthoid to attempt my quest? Or do I say something generic like "I am trying, we will see?" Just to risk the cliche remarks? Like "Drink wine and you'll get pregnant!" or "Just relax!" Well, you all know the other cliche miracle infertility treatments fertiles want to project on us?!

Most of the time my brain to mouth filter in me seems to have malfunctioned in situations like this! I pretty much want to tell everyone to shut the fuck up! Hell, some of the time I want to slap a bitch!

Then, these situations progress to a mommyfest! Gag me!
Fertile # 1: OMG little Timmy shit in the sink! It was so cute! It was the first time he didn't go in his diaper!
Me: (Eye roll)
Fertile #2: OMG little Monica walked at 9 months old! She is going to be my little genius!
Me: (What? Prove it! LOL)
Fertile #3: OMG little Mickey didn't walk until he was 9 months 2 weeks! Hope nothing is wrong with him?
Me: (Really???)
Fertile #4: OMG there is an infertile woman in our presence, this talk might make her feel uncomfortable!
Me: (Okay why is everyone starring at me? As if I am some freak of nature. As if God said she is too evil! I strike her down as BARREN! You are right! I have absolutely nothing to contribute to this conversation!)

And this is why I avoid fertiles!!!!! 


Friday, March 8, 2013

When partners collide

My husband can really aggravate me with the entire fertility/infertility mess! When I tell someone in front of him that I am infertile due to hypothyroidism and PCOS, he says you're not infertile. Ugh!! I have explained the definition of infertility to him, then when he says that in front of other people I have an infertility session with both parties. You know, not being able to get pregnant for 12 months with well timed intercourse for people under 35 and it is 6 months if you are over 35. It is going on 3 years and I am approaching 35! I feel like the sand is running out of the hour glass. I asked him why he says we are not infertile? He said that when he thinks of infertility it is hopeless but I got pregnant before I will again! 2 years ago I had a miscarriage. I was a little irritated by the response since it was 2 years I was pregnant and have not had a glimmer of a positive since. Also, the infertility comment about it being hopeless and it seemed that he will never fully understand infertility. Infertility doesn't mean it will never happen. It could be never, or it will be difficult, or it will happen in a way you don't expect ie surrogacy, donor sperm/egg, or adoption.     

He knows so many people that parented at 40+ he doesn't seem to think anything about it. I get so frustrated that he always acts like we have all this time. I figure if it is this difficult in my early 30's than it can't get much better. I get so frustrated that he can't seem to accept that we are infertile. It hurts me more when he says that we aren't infertile than if he were to say okay we are infertile what can I do (besides the obvious). He gets the easy part throughout it all. Maybe that is why he seems so carefree. I have to take my medications as prescribed, fight to get the fertility meds when there are miscommunications with doctor and pharmacy, deal with horrifically painful cycles, keep all my appointments (labs and otherwise), and explain to people why we don't have kids!

There are people in our lives that look at me like I am the broken one! And look at him like you poor bastard for marrying a such woman! Or listens when he says we are not infertile and tells ME not him that I must be doing something wrong! People tell him it will happen blah blah blah...

I bought him the book What to Expect When She's Not Expecting! I am willing to bet that he doesn't even remember the title! He never looked at it or read it! He has this habit with putting shit off until it gets to be this big cluster fuck or financially worse!  I am not letting my health be brushed off by him. 

Thursday, March 7, 2013

Clomid cycle #2 ended

Well, Clomid Cycle #2 ended in a BFN. Of Course. Now, I don't know if it was the AF pain but I was not a crazy as I normally am. But the pain was god awful! I took 4 Advil (remembering that was what was recommended for the HSG) the pain went away with 4. If I didn't know any better I would have thought I having another miscarriage. The first day of my cycle is never that painful but I was questioning whether I have endometriosis! I called the doctor for my Clomid refill and asked about painful periods. They said since this is not my normal feeling that is was from the Clomid. Well, please let this cycle be my BFP cycle because I don't know how much more I can take of this!    

Friday, March 1, 2013

My Dreams

I had a pretty blatant dreams about infertility the other night.
The first dream:
 I dreamed that my girlfriends and I were planning a trip. I drove to the airport and go a ticket on my car. All my friends went ahead of me. The friends that were with me in the dream all have children in real life. We approached a staircase about 4 flights of stairs we have to climb to make it to the airport. I could barely walk up the first stair and kept falling down. The first friend, who in real life has four children, made it up the stairs with no problem and got there before everyone else. The second friend, has 2 children in real life, made up the stairs without a problem. I continue to fall down the first flight of stairs. The third friend is waiting for me trying to help me up the stairs yet I keep falling down. The two friends that made it to the top already are getting aggravated that I am not to the top yet. The third friend that is helping me tells me not to pay attention to what any of them have to say and just keep trying. I told her that I felt dizzy and needed to stop and to go ahead of me. She told me she was not going to leave me behind. I finally make it to the top with friend #3. She told me it could be difficult without any help and she fell down these stairs before. We made the flight. The third friend in the dream struggled with IF in real life. The two friends that made it to the top. No only did they have children easily but on the first shot or not even trying.

*According to some dream interpretation books suggest taking a trip signifies yearning for change. That things are not going according to plan. The people in the dream can who is causing you stress and who are in the same situation as you are. Some dream interpretation of stairs can mean since I was going up that I am trying to achieve higher status or seeming unattainable status. Falling down not feeling in control but making it to the top signifies that the outcome will be desired. 

The second one was much shorter.

I pick up my friend and go to a store. They are having a bunch of children's birthday parties. I roll my eyes at my friend. I see my dad (he has been deceased for 11 years and is a ghost in the dream). I run up to and told him I missed him and I loved him. In real life, I could not remember if I told my dad I loved him before he passed which has ate at me for years. His presence in the dream was so warm. This woman interrupted our conversation and interaction. I was annoyed. She was with one of the children's birthday parties and asked me if I had any children. I answered in a harsh exacerbated tone, "No!" My dad nudged me and asked why I answered no and that I have a son. I looked at him puzzled. He reassured me that I had a son and told me to tell my friend to be careful driving in the snow. I came home and saw a little boy about 2 years old sitting a high chair with my husband. I woke up and cried!     

Thursday, February 28, 2013

The new norm

I am feeling a bit defeated today. 11 dpo and starting to get menstrual cramps and hpt are a blaring negative. I told myself that this will be the cycle. and we will have a baby for Thanksgiving and Christmas this year. Oh 3 years of disappointment can have profound effects on a person. Being the brat that I am, I attempted to reorder my clomid. I wanted it ready for my cycle. My doctor called and said that he will approve the order once AF arrives, not before. I explained that hpt have been negative and insisted on it being too early.  Come on! I know the routine already! I have gotten quite use to laughing while POAS. Why bother? It will only give you the same results as they always do! They say insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting different results. Then, I am fucking certifiable!

I can't believe there are people that don't have to go through all this to have a baby. They just have normal sex with their significant other and magic happens. I don't believe that sex equals baby. That is just silliness! Invasive tests and treatments are the only way, right? Men in lab coats make babies using the scientific method. Drugs are given to make ovulation happen, this is not something that occurs spontaneously? Women across the globe knew the measurements of their uterus and egg at the time of conception, right? I guess this is just my new norm!     

Saturday, February 23, 2013

My new favorite song

Sweet Nothing- Calvin Harris

You took my heart and you held it in your mouth
And, with a word all my love came rushing out
And, every whisper, it's the worst, emptied out by a single word
There is a hollow in me now

So I put my faith in something unknown
I'm living on such sweet nothing
But I'm trying to hope with nothing to hold
I'm living on such sweet nothing
And it's hard to learn
And it's hard to love
When you're giving me such sweet nothing
Sweet nothing, sweet nothing
You're giving me such sweet nothing

[Beat break]

It isn't easy for me to let it go
I've swallow every single word
Every whisper, every sigh
Eats away at this heart of mine
And there is a hollow in me now

So I put my faith in something unknown
I'm living on such sweet nothing
But I'm trying to hope with nothing to hold
I'm living on such sweet nothing
And it's hard to learn
And it's hard to love
When you're giving me such sweet nothing
Sweet nothing, sweet nothing
You're giving me such sweet nothing

[Beat break]

And it's not enough
To tell me that you care
When, we both know the words are empty air
You give me nothing


[Beat break]


Sweet Nothing

Sweet Nothing

*It is kind of how I felt when I found out I was pregnant, miscarried, and now battling too long with infertility!

Wednesday, February 20, 2013

Would a sex contract be so bad?

WARNING contains Fifty Shades references! If you have not read the books, you may want to close this article. 

As I rip through the Fifty Shades series, I can't help but think how I could apply some of this to my infertility! This series has not only been a nice distraction from obsessing about infertility and treatment but my muse if you will. No, I don't want a BDSM relationship with my husband. I really liked the contract idea. I can't help but think how great it would be if my husband could have a procreation sex contract.

It never fails around ovulation,My husband seems less than thrilled to have procreation sex. I have to remind him of our schedule and we fall into this rut of mechanical sex for the sole purpose to have a baby. And it never fails my mother comes over unannounced around ovulation and sets up camp in our house. I have kicked her out on a few occasions explaining that we are going to have sex and it is a libido killer for her to be in our house at that time. My mother has a mental illness and has strained our relationship. Given her mental issues, I have to have a very firm boundary with her otherwise she takes advantage.

My contract will be simple and concise for my husband. I am sick of him feeling exacerbated by our prescribed sex schedule. We fought this weekend about it. I always have to remind him of when. I get angry that not only does he have the "easy part" but he is so aloof to this process. I agree that there is nothing sexy about infertility including the dialog. I explain that I take my Metformin, Synthyroid, and Clomid as prescribed because just maybe I can have the desired outcome without it being the most invasive method, ie IVF. I change my diet to lower carb due to PCOS. I get frequent blood draws and viewings of my vagina. I have the fear of possible long term effects of all these reproductive methods on my body on top of the fear of never becoming mother which has been the only thing I have continuously wanted since childhood. Money is an issue as well. Money is my husband's  weakness. Why not try everything in our power with this "cheaper method" when we have the chance. And he can't stick to the GOD DAMN schedule.  

So my contract would go something like this;
1. The wife and doctor will discuss the best sex schedule for the desire outcome, ie pregnancy.
2. The wife will inform husband of said days.
3. Once the days are established, the husband is now responsible for remembering and initiating sex.
4. There will be passion and foreplay.
5. If the husband cannot agree to the terms of the contract or fails to fulfill the terms, IUI or IVF will be the next plan paid by the husband.

Of course I am being funny but part of me would really like to try this out. My husband would be less than amused. I am just a desperate infertile woman trying to get some enjoyment from this mess. 

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Timed Sex is So Sexy!

What's not sexy about timed intercourse?Well, round 2 of clomid. The doctor still maintains timed intercourse CD 10 to CD 22 every other day. My husband was exacerbated by this schedule at first. We work opposite shifts and see each other a couple hours a day. Planning to include sex in a hectic schedule can leave you questioning how? So, on our calendar I circled the dates that the doctor prescribed. I told my husband what the circles mean since I can't put sex or fucking days on the calendar for all to see. The calendar this year was sent to us from a local church so, I already feel dirty for using it in such a manner.  It has bible verses on each month to make matters worse. But, I figure for the religious... Be fruitful and multiply is in the bible but I know they tend to frown on reproducing using medical interventions. Thank God I am not that religious LOL! Oh infertility, you continue to be ironic!

I try keeping the spice in the medically prescribed intercourse plan! But, it is very difficult at times. My husband sleeps late for his late night shifts. I walk in trying to wake him up in a sexy manner but it never seems hot. I come home and try to figure enough time to wake him, have procreation sex, make dinner, and he still has enough time to shower, shave, and leave for work.   So, now I resort to "It is CD 10, 12, 14, etc. you know what that means?!" as I shake him awake. I grab the preseed since clomid can leave you... a little dry! My husband was discouraged by the thought of all this but I reassured him it is the medication not him.

Infertility is so exhausting and I often get pissed that we have to plan and prep to attempt to have a baby. We can't be that couple that said... "It was such a surprise, we weren't even trying!" Fuck no! We have to have timed intercourse that seems like a means to end than spontaneous and loving. Sex is not fun or intimate anymore. It is clinical. Doctors tell us when to do it. I keep log of it to show doctors. I laugh at a time that I enjoyed sex. Now, I just have to pencil it in. They say not to let sex get like this. But how do you keep it fun and romantic when you battle infertility? How do you time sex and yet make it seem spontaneous? I have yet to find the answer to that. For now, I will just get drawn into romance novels looking for clues. Oh Timed sex, you are so sexy!      

Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Waiting for round 2

My doctor only prescribed one month worth of Clomid. He said call with a BFP or when AF comes. Well, I didn't get my BFP and AF came on Sunday. So, Monday I called the doctor and didn't get anywhere. I called again. They said have the pharmacy call. I called the pharmacy to refill my prescription. I go to pick it up today, they never talked to the doctor. I called and got the answering services. Ugh! I was so mad! This is CD3 and hoping to take it today. Hopefully, I get it tomorrow!

So I come home totally enraged that I couldn't get my prescription. I came home and told my husband I couldn't get the prescription and told him the story. He asked which doctor. I told him. He said oh and went to sleep. He works opposite shifts as I do and yes I woke him up. But, I wish he could have said something like oh I am sorry. Or wow I hope you can get it tomorrow. But, just annoyed that I woke him up.

I know that can perceived as inconsiderate on my part, waking him up. But he sleeps all night and we have an hour together. I don't always do this only when I am really upset and need to vent ASAP. I hate infertility! I hate his schedule and I hate that I seem needy. I really don't have anyone that understands my frustration and feel really alone in all this. I wish he could understand that too!  

Thursday, January 31, 2013

First Clomid Cycle... A bust

It is looking like this cycle was a bust! Temperatures dropping and BFN on a FRER! I know this is my first cycle but I was hoping for a positive. I should be getting AF on Saturday which so happens to be my friend's engagement party. My husband fears I will become Kristin Wigs character from Bridesmaids. I told him no maybe if it was a baby shower! Just kidding, I wouldn't go if it was a baby shower! But I love wedding related gatherings. Children mostly don't attend and most of the time there is not too much baby talk unless the Bride-to-be breaks a ribbon or some shit! I have known the Bride-to-be the majority of my life and she never seemed too crazy about having children of her own so, even better!  

Unexpected IF Reference

As a social worker, you can be pretty involved in clients lives. They share with you some of their feelings that they might not share with others. Infertility surprisingly is not brought up very often. Seeing that 1 in 8 couples is battling infertility you would think that I would hear about more than once in a blue moon. Today's visit with a family was interesting. The mother shared this letter with me regarding a family member's struggle with infertility. It was from the perspective of the parent of the child struggling. It was beautifully written and I wished my own family was just as sensitive to IF. (My family tells me to relax or just adopt... so not sensitive) It talked about the many years TTC without success and all the emotions the parent felt for their child watching them go through such pain and heartbreak. Then, after years of TTC they finally were blessed. Which the letter further stated how people take for granted these blessing until you are faced with such challenges and to take each moment as a gift. And how things can eventually fall into place when all you have is a small glimmer of hope. 

This family has no idea that I have been TTC for a couple years and my struggles. I was fighting back tears while I was reading it. It truly amazed me. I cried as I drove back to the office and took lunch immediately to hide my emotions. It might not have came from my family, but I will hold on to those words.  

Tuesday, January 29, 2013

The waiting!

First cycle on clomid. I had an easy ride as far as side effects go. Well this is CD 23 and 11 DPO. I took a HPT today but it was negative on a Wondfo. I was thinking about picking up FRER. For now, I will just sit and wait, but I will obsess until AF or a BFP!

I think waiting on a medicated cycle is more stressful for me!

Sunday, January 13, 2013

Experience with Clomid so far

So, far the only side effects I have experienced with Clomid is night sweats. The moodiness is hard to say coming from the Clomid since TTC has turned me into an emotional mess. I take the last pill today. I know the side effects are typically after the pills have been taken so let's see what this Clomid does. 

Thursday, January 10, 2013

Becoming someone else

During the course of the infertility, I have become someone different, someone unrecognizable. The person I was before the Hypothyroidism, PCOS, miscarriage, and infertility was happy. I laughed at everything to the point I think it frustrated others. I would talk about something new with a smile and excited. I looked forward to upcoming events such as weddings, holidays, vacations, and just outings with friends.

That has all changed. What I am left with is jealousy, depression, envy, anger, and hopelessness. Oh, I still laugh but is more at myself. I laugh because I spent money on a pregnancy test that was ultimately negative or the fact I was even hopeful. I have difficulties socializing with the majority of my friends now because the conversations are centered around children. What could I contribute? Then, you get that look from all your friends. You know that look... pity. Then, the same people say you have changed. "What happened you? You are not you." Infertility is what happened. They continue to say things like "don't let something like that change you" or "your day will come", and my favorite "God has a plan". While I watch people get pregnant month after month and I am still seeing the digital tests that appear taunting... 'Not Pregnant'! The only thing missing is the laughing joker. I often joke and say that pregnancy tests are not truly intended to test for pregnancy. But a way to ensure that Aunt Flo (AF) will come within 24 hours after peeing. I hope to see a positive pregnancy soon!

I am not entirely sure a pregnancy that results in a live baby will change me back to the person I once was. Will I be overly cautious with this child because it took a lot of heartbreak to conceive? During pregnancy will I be able able to relax or will I think that every little thing will result is a pregnancy loss or miscarriage. One positive thing I can say for sure... Infertility has made me a strong fighter.      

Started Clomid

Last night was my first pill of Clomid 50mg. I started Metformin last year when I went through all that diagnostic testing. I've had plenty of time to hear, read, and perseverate over the side effects of Clomid. But I have been so sad. I have been waiting for treatment for a long time now but I am so sad. I think that now it is real and I can do something about it, I fear the failure. I think that waiting for so long to get any kind of treatment and BFN after BFN that it has drained my hope. I know that one pill of Clomid wouldn't make me feel like this already. So, I will try to be cautiously optimistic. 

Tuesday, January 8, 2013

Clomid starts tomorrow!

I went to my obgyn yesterday to discuss infertility. Towards the end of 2011 I was seen by a reproductive endocrinologist (RE). Well, as it turned out my insurance then did not cover but went through the entire diagnostic process. Right tube had minor scarring but nothing to worry about per RE. HSG otherwise normal (I know a lot could have changed in a year. Blood work indicated mild PCOS and I already knew about the hypothyroidism. Everything else, ok!

My DH is having back surgery Feb 4, 2013. I am not excited about this surgery for many reason. One, I don't like the idea of surgery on or in the central nervous system. It controls too much. He had knee surgery last year which appears worse than it started out. So, how can I relax when it comes to his back? Two, it puts a damper on our TTC. I know that sounds selfish. Over 2 years TTC and I am not getting any younger. We have put treatment off due to insurance and money. Now, we have to put treatment on hold once again! It is getting exhausting with all the obstacles. But, I will grin and bare it as if I have a choice.

The obgyn decided to give Clomid a try for one month prior to DH surgery. If this fails, I will complete all the testing over. I hope it works! I won't get another shot until May. I know the chances are slim on the first try of Clomid. But, May seems like forever! May I will be in my mid 30's. I know IUI is a possibility but unfortunately per insurance I have not exhaust my options at this point yet. So, I remain hopeful that this will be the cycle!     

Monday, January 7, 2013

Today's horoscope! Yikes!

This is today's horoscope for me today! I have an IF doctor's appointment today! He better not have grim news for me!
"Hold onto your dreams and don't let go! You can't let anyone tell you that what you want won't ever happen. You have the passionate determination you need to make anything happen, and you don't need naysayers bringing you down right now. Stand firm. You want what you want, so give it everything you've got. Even if it looks hopeless, as long as you have hope in your heart, hope survives! You have a vision of what you want the next year of your life to be. Go out and make it happen."

Depression and infertility

Grieving is very common when battling infertility. The stages of grief are as follows; Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. I have gone through these stages before but I wanted to focus on Depression.

Depression is often a common feature with infertility. Depression can be a serious mental health concern. If depression is keeping you from completing the daily tasks or even getting out of bed, I urge you to talk with a mental health provider. I think it is good for anyone going through this to seek out counseling. Depression can come out in the form of anger as well. Suicidal ideation can also be associated with depression. I urge you, If you have had thoughts of suicide to seek out help. I read an alarming statistic this weekend that 1 in 5 people battling infertility have had suicidal ideation at some point. If someone you know is suicidal call 911 if they have a plan. Do not brush it off. Do not try to handle it yourself. is a great resource.

Fur Baby

I have a 95lb 3 year old German Shepherd who is my only "child" currently! As I type this blog, she is laying right beside me. We rescued  her from a "unreputable" breeder. I say that joking, since we thought the local police departments used this breeder but turns out they haven't in years due to over breeding. So behavior and health problems are something to look forward to, YAY!

This dog has been my rock through many ups and downs of the trying to conceive (TTC) journey. She laid across my legs for the few weeks I was pregnant to stand guard if you will. All the while, never applied pressure to my belly. She then, licked my tears as I cried from the devastation of my miscarriage. And continues to lick my tears when I cry from dealing with the hell of infertility. It kind of breaks my heart that the most support beside various IF sites I get, is from her.

Well, today I found two lumps on her. One on her back and one on her ear. Naturally, I am freaking out and fearing the worse. I tell my husband and he said he has known about them for a week. I yelled at him for not telling me and not scheduling a vet visit. I told him that I want to take her in to see what they are. He wants to wait and see. This is my biggest complaint about my husband, he always just wants to wait and see about everything. I know I frustrate him because I want to act and be proactive about everything. I always tell him that it is better to catch a small problem and fix it immediately than to clean up a big mess. Well, I plan to call the vet tomorrow. She has always been there for me, I will return the favor. She might not see it quite that way! LOL! Praying it is nothing to worry about! 

Friday, January 4, 2013

Insurance started!

The first of the year started my HMO which in the state of Illinois covers infertility. I went to my GP since this is my first time with HMO. He ordered probably every lab you could order (from a GP). Lab order included a CBC, CMP, Lipid, A1C, Thyroid screen, and urine analysis. I thought that was very thorough. Any ways, The GP told me I don't need a referral for the gynecologist but wanted to ensure those labs were ordered to ensure my overall health before starting IF treatment. BP was 116/80, heart rate 78, and lungs clear. I should find out the results sometime next week. Monday the 7th I finally have my first appointment with my gynecologist to start the treatment process. I went to an RE in 2011 so I hope nothing has changed since that visit. Unfortunately, I have to exhaust all my resources with my gynecologist before going to an RE unless the problem is serious, (Fingers crossed simple Clomid will do the trick). I just can't believe it is hear! I have been waiting on insurance coverage for over a year.