After 2 years TTC I have decided that this is what I want "fertile" or the people who have not been TTC to know about infertility.
1. My husband and I know how babies are made. Stop telling infertile people how to baby dance. Drink alcohol or relaxing doesn't fix some underlining causes of infertility such as blocked tubes. And don't say we are not trying hard enough. I can treat the baby dance like a competitive sport. Comments from others on this subject only makes it even more competitive to prove to you I can get pregnant. Which my DH will be annoyed with.
2. Endless talk about your pregnancy and babies. Infertile people find it painful to hear that someone is pregnant and even worse if you weren't trying. It just further reminds of what we don't have and long so much for. The way some people talk about their pregnancies seem like they are trying to rub it in your face. Nothing is worse than people not picking up your cues that this conversation is not something we want to have. I have slowly walked away from people, and they continue to follow me. I will be the last person you want to complain to about pregnancy symptoms. I would give anything for those symptoms to be actually pregnancy symptoms and it is not my body playing a joke on me end cycle only to find Aunt Flo 2 days later. I am ok with being DOG sick as long as I get my take home baby. And baby talk just gives me more anxiety because I should have a nine month old right now. Hearing about you baby's milestone hurts! Please, I beg you to stop! If we are really close, I am happy for you and will not mind going to your baby shower. Everyone else, I am happy for you but I don't need a weekly account of how your pregnancy is going! Thanks but no thanks!
3. Medical advice from people without a medical background. Unless you are a Gynecologist, Reproductive Endocrinologist, or Urologist. Don't tell me what I need to do to get pregnant. It has been two years of trying with only one pregnancy that ended in miscarriage at almost 10 weeks. Do you know the implications of autoimmune disorders, hypothyroidism, PCOS has on fertility and pregnancy. I know more than most but not enough for medical advise, so you don't either. I've had people tell me to stop taking my synthyroid and metformin because I was pregnant without it before. I think that advice is the most ignorant.
4. Infertility is a grieving process. Some studies have even compared the psychological stress of infertility to a cancer diagnosis. People constantly fear the unknown. Infertility is very unknown. Will I or Won't I? Is it this month? Should I move on? Could I move on? Will my DH leave me for someone who could have children? Could we be happy with this decision years from now? Can we afford this? Will my job let me take the time off for treatment? What if it doesn't work? For a woman under 35 year old TTC for a year or more and 35 and over TTC for 6 months is considered time to explore infertility diagnosis and treatment. Once you fall into that, it is scary. Once it is confirmed by the medical community, it is even more terrifying. I know I have gone through denial. I am still going between anger and depression. Sometimes, even bargaining. Don't dismiss a friend's emotions who is going through the infertility journey. All a person wants is validation. If you don't know what to say, just say "I'm sorry you are going through this". Don't ever say "Get over it". That is fighting words to this infertile! Secondary infertility is when a live birth has happened but now the couple is experiencing infertility. It drives me crazy when people have told me that I was pregnant before I should get pregnant again. That pregnancy ended in miscarriage and 16 months ago. Since it was not a successful pregnancy, have been trying for 2 years, I am infertile.
5. It can cost. Infertility treatments are expensive. It can be bothersome for someone to say just do IVF. One cycle can cost about $15,000. If you don't have IF coverage or minimal insurance coverage, it is a lot of expenses out of pocket that most can't afford. IVF is also very time consuming. Lots of doctors appointments and even bed rest may be necessary. That could mean lots of time off of work.
6. People who think they are infertile. The people TTC for 2 months that are ready to go the the fertility clinic. It can take a healthy couple under 35 years old on average 8 months to conceive. A healthy couple has a 20% chance of getting pregnant each month with timed intercourse. Infertility testing is expensive and some of it is painful. Most insurance companies will not even cover diagnostics without falling into the criteria.(under 35 y/o TTC for over a year or over 35y/o TTC for 6 months.) Don't be in such a rush to spend thousands of dollars for testing that might not even be necessary. Or go through the HSG!