Thursday, February 19, 2015

Wow, so much has changed in the few years. So much good was surrounded by such sadness and feelings of defeat during those years. There are things I wish I could have told myself then. Stop, breathe, and enjoy the now. I tried so hard to control my life that I really didn't live it.  I look back at 2010, 2011, and 2012 and think there were so many good memories masked by the struggles of infertility and loss. The pain is a powerful one. I just wish I took more time to let in the good.  

Monday, August 4, 2014

Breastfeeding failures

 I could not breastfeed. Turns out that pesky hypothyroidism and PCOS had one last laugh! I produced just enough for him to have a little snack not enough to get actual nourishment. And that is also supported by 2 doctors and a lactation consultant. I did put him to breast every feed but then supplemented with formula. I get pretty defensive when it comes to this topic. I had people actually tell me I am a bad mother. I tried everything to build my supply.

My doctor suggested Reglan. I said a be fat hell no! Those side effects are horrific! I tried tea, supplements, cookies (bad idea with IR PCOS), frequent feeding pumping interval, lactation groups... You name it I tried it. Well, no prescription drugs. I like my Dopamine levels in my brain unaffected unless it is life or death. I worked with psych patients too long to agree to any drug that has these side effects. The drug basically works by, simply put, decreasing Dopamine in a certain area of the brain then in turn increasing prolactin levels. Dopamine and Prolactin work in opposition of each other. Why you may hear certain medications and class action lawsuits of teen boys developing breast or lactating on commercials. It is also secreted into breast milk. Babies have immature blood-brain barriers. Which could increase the risk for Tardive Dyskinesia (TD). I did not like anything about adding another med or putting us both at risk of some hefty side effects.

I continued to put to breast until I went back to work. It was hard enough to maintain a shitty supply home all day. I was impossible to keep my supply after going back to work 12 hours a day. Pumping was impossible while at home. Most I got was 1/2oz. So, formula all the way!!

*I will not tolerate any bashing for not being able to breastfeed. Remember what you learned as a child. If you can't say anything nice DON'T say anything at all!

Finally here!

He is finally here! Through years of infertility, Hypothyrodism, PCOS, and gestational diabetes. I can't believe it! All the fighting, crying, researching, doctors visits, and medications he is here and healthy. 6lbs 9oz 20 inches.

Wednesday, February 26, 2014

PCOS the gift that keeps on giving.

Sorry I haven't posted in a while. Pregnancy was going well until I took the Glucose Tolerance Test. I failed that bad boy with flying colors with a 195. There you are PCOS, it is not like you will let me forget you during the pregnancy you tried so hard to not make happen! Well, the Metformin is working. I am not having the spikes as long as I avoid all processed food. I now go for weekly biophysical profiles which is just a mini ultrasound and twice weekly Nonstress Test. Ah what high risk status entails. It is actually pretty relaxing sitting in a recliner for about 20-45 minutes twice a week listening to my baby's heart beat.

But I have to laugh with my husband about PCOS. I have obviously had it since I can remember but just diagnosed with it when TTC. I have hair in places women shouldn't. I still have acne in my mid 30's and everyone in my family would talk shit that I was not washing my face otherwise I would have clear skin. After puberty I got fat and was told by so many that I would be pretty if only I was thin. My random cycle have caused embarrassment during adolescence. Nothing like being 13 years old in junior high getting my period unprepared. Fast forward to adulthood and the only diet that truly works is a diet that will cause most likely kidney damage and heart disease... Atkins. My cycle work like clockwork while on that diet though. Not too sure about ovulating since I was in my early 20's and definitely did not want a baby. I miscarried because of one of the two undiagnosed hypothyroidism and PCOS. I believed it was more the thyroid. And fertility drugs were needed since I don't ovulate but once or twice a year. Now Gestational Diabetes which means most likely I will get it in my future. Oh PCOS is always the tricky little bitch and the gift that keeps on giving!   

Saturday, November 9, 2013

Infertility, Pregnancy, and Insecurities!

This week my husband had surgery on his back. As if that is not stressful enough... His preop nurse was his ex girlfriend. I never really liked hearing about my husband's past relationships but after infertility it makes the sting a little worse.

First, we never had a super sexual relationship even before specimen cups and stirrups. Then, I meet two women he supposedly had a hypersexual relationship with. And one being you guessed it, his preop nurse. Wonderful! Sometimes, unexpected situations causes a new insecurity to surface. I always a little insecure about his less than enthusiastic views on our sex life. I have heard that I pressure him to it is his medications to he is just not that sexual of a person. The most recent excuse was that it was his back. I backed off with that one. We have gone to therapy and I have backed off on the "pressuring him". After, I backed off, the sex completely stopped. We have not had sex since beginning of July before our IUI.I am waiting to see if after he recovers, it will come back. I know a weeping woman is not exactly hot.

Moving on to the nurse. Yeah, I have met her before but it has been a while. Right before we got married he told me he ran into her. He told her that we were engaged blah blah blah! Apparently she was crying after he told her. I am not really sure why he tells me this. Why when we run into women from his past, he tells me this stuff. We could walk past 5 guys I was with in my past and he would never know, because it is not something I need to divulge. Also, it doesn't do any good to make him feel insecure.

So, while we were at the hospital waiting for the preop process. A girl walks by and he says, "Oh my God, it's (insert name)!" I was like who. I was dumbfounded for a minute until it dawned on me who she was. And is now going to be his preop nurse. Oh good and he gets to go back into that room alone, with her, while I sit in the preop waiting room. Then, she comes to get me, "Are you J's wife?" And we go back into the room. I look at my husband and state the obvious of how awkward that was. He goes on and on about how crazy. Of all the hospital employees, she was his nurse. Laughing and smiling and not letting it go while she is out of the room. He then, proceeds to tell me that she has popped out 2 kids since we got married, with that piece of shit she was with. Ok, this is that part that left me fucked up. I understand that I am currently pregnant but it took blood, sweat, and tears, not to mention doctors prying into your sex life and thousands of dollars. Don't get me wrong, I am grateful but I hate the reminder of people doing it so easily. I hate it even more when I hear his ex was one of them.

I kept thinking does he wish he stayed with her? He would have more money in the bank! He would not have lost his first child! He would not have gone through all that embarrassment with doctors and semen analysis. He would not have gone through all of this, if he would have married someone who wasn't defective.  Maybe, even her?

Then, I wondered how much he told her about our struggles? I am open about this with most people but she has the upper hand on this and she was with my fucking husband. I know that I technologically have him but it is hard to feel secure after infertility. Especially, after he has gone on and on about how feels bad for her and what an asshole she ended up with. He seemed so flattered to have her attention once again. That she was such a nice girl.Yeah, not making it any better! And she is fucking fertile!                  

Friday, October 25, 2013

I am not "resolved" yet!

I have become the biggest bitch to my husband. It is a combination of fear and hormones making me get so angry. After going through miscarriage and infertility I fear the worse. I Google everything! Which in turn makes me worse. I just fear the day that he says I am done with her crazy ways. My counselor discontinued seeing me as I have "resolved" my infertility. I keep telling people I don't feel as it is resolved since I have not given birth to healthy baby. They really don't understand. I have seen what can go wrong. I know pregnancy doesn't guarantee a baby. I know fertility treatments don't always work.

I also get from people that I am not truly infertile. I realize how lucky I am but I will always consider myself infertile. I didn't have a hot night with my husband and happened to get pregnant. Timed intercourse didn't work. Doctors and science helped me. GOD FORBID this doesn't workout, do I have the strength to go through it all again. What will it take next time? So, these are just some fears of mine.

I will never be able to enjoy being pregnant after all that. I will not feel "resolved" until I can hold a living breathing baby!      

A little scare at 17 weeks

While at work on Friday, I went to the bathroom. I noticed what looked like a small clot in the toilet. About the size of a sesame seed. I didn't really pay attention when I walked into that stall if it was there from the previous person. I was freaking out assuming it was from me. I went home and called my dr. Long story short, I have a Urinary Tract Infection. The clot mostly not from me, fetal heart rate 151. So far so good.